Baby Harry

This page is dedicated to my Grandson Baby Harry Smith.
Harry was born still and asleep on 15th May 2013. His short life changed the lives of so many people including me.
As a way of coping I did what I always did and wrote things down.
Here is a collection of the stuff that I wrote
The Little Blue Car

How a simple toy helped me through a tragic time
I never saw myself as a grandmother. At 50 I thought I was way too young!

But three years later, I am the proud Nannan of four beautiful grand children.

My first three grandchildren were definitely unplanned, but like all grandparents I looked forward to the joy that new babies bring and the opportunity to spoil them in a way that I couldn’t spoil my own children.

Ella Mae Sylvia is the eldest at nearly 3, then comes Alfie at 2 ½ followed by Layla at 9 months. Baby Harry is my youngest grandson and he will always be the baby because he lives in heaven.

Oct 2012

When my daughter announced that Mark and I were to be grandparents for the fourth time, it was the first opportunity we had had to really enjoy a pregnancy.

Baby Harry had been planned. Lauren and Nick couldn’t wait to tell us their news and we looked forward to every scan and every hospital visit, in the knowledge that Baby Harry was just what Lauren and Nick needed to complete their young family.

In the 3 years since the surprise of Ella-Mae, they had bought a house, both had good jobs, and Ella Mae would be ready for nursery school when Harry was born. Lauren and Nick had worked out that Lauren could give up her part time job and could be a stay at home mum with Harry.

Saturday May 11th 2013

At 33 weeks Lauren went for a routine scan. They were keeping an eye on her as she had a high BMI and had a minor blood complaint that needed monitoring.

Harry was going to be a big baby. With 7 weeks to go he was already 6lbs. She was advised not to buy any newborn clothes so the next day we went out and bought yet another outfit and a little blue car for the nursery windowsill.

As soon as I spotted the car I had this idea that it could be something that could appear in all my photographs of Harry. It could go on holiday with him and travel the world. In my head I was already planning a photo book of Harry and the Little Blue Car. He had not even been born yet but I had so many plans for him and imagined him with people and in places proudly holding his little blue car.

I even hoped his first real car would be a little blue car, how great would that be!

Ella-Mae loved the car and it was her idea to put it on Harry’s windowsill. That afternoon we played with the car and travelled all over the world to see all our relatives. We even went to heaven to see Nanny Angel!

That little blue car still sits on the windowsill of what would have been Harry’s room. For me it’s a symbol of the journey I began the day after I bought the car.

It’s a reminder that hopes and dreams can sometimes be short-lived but its still good to have them.

It was later that same day when Lauren mentioned that she had not felt Harry move. I reassured her that he was a big baby and there probably wasn’t much room in there! The little blue car was visible out of the corner of my eye. Little did I know that I was about to begin a journey and there would be no map to guide me.

Sunday May 12th 2013

The following morning at 8.00am I got a call from Lauren saying Nick and her were just popping through to the hospital to get Harry checked out, as he had been quiet all night.

I was happy to look after Ella Mae and suggested that we go out for lunch afterwards.

Ella Mae and I spent the morning baking buns, feeding the birds, weeding the flowerbeds. I kept checking my watch, as I hadn’t expected Lauren and Nick to be so long.

When the phone rang at 10.15am all I could hear when I picked it up was my daughter crying.

“Please can you come mum?” she said “but don’t bring Ella Mae”

My mind went into overdrive. I was careful not to ask any questions but asked to speak to Nick who was also crying. “They can’t find a heart beat,” he said, “They have checked twice!”

“I’m on my way “I reassured them “hug each other “I said.

A good friend of mine agreed to look after Ella Mae; my hubby was away in Cornwall so I travelled the 20-minute journey to the hospital alone, praying to God that my worst fears were not about come true. As I travelled to hospital I thought about that little blue car sitting on Harry’s windowsill and of the plans for his future that I had made less than 24hrs earlier.

 I found myself talking to my mum who had died 2 years previously; asking her to pull a few strings and make sure my grandson was OK. She usually responded and I looked to the clouds for some sort of sign. What I saw was a group of clouds that looked like roads. Some were short some were long. They made junctions in the sky, once again I thought of the little blue car. Some of the clouds had that feathery effect. I told mum that I wasn’t ready for feathers and that the roads I saw needed to lead to a happy ending!

It was 10.50am on Sunday 12^th May 2013 when I walked into the room.

Lauren was sitting on the floor and Nick was on a chair beside her. She looked up at me and I just joined her on the floor and hugged her. She just kept shaking her head and crying “My Baby My Baby”

I looked up at Nick and he had his head in his hands not sure what to do or say.

I needed to know that my worst fears weren’t true but it seemed that they were about to be confirmed.

Not long afterwards Nicks parents arrived with the same hopes as me only to be told what we really didn’t want to know.

We were waiting for a consultant to arrive to confirm what the midwives had discovered. Harry’s heart had stopped beating. He had died sometime between Thursday and Sunday.

The next few hours were to be the most difficult of my life.

I found myself asking questions that I really didn’t want to know the answer to but I knew they needed to be asked.

“What happens next?

Lauren had to sign a consent form before she took a small tablet that would in effect halt the pregnancy, and stop the pregnancy hormones being produced.

“How long before the tablet works?”

It takes 48hrs for the tablet to work. Lauren could have stayed in hospital but she wanted to see Ella Mae.

“Why can’t she have a C Section?”

We were told that it is better to deliver your baby naturally and there is less chance of infection and a quicker recovery.

“How do we carry on as normal for 48hrs?”

This was the hardest part for me. 48hrs seemed like an eternity. Lauren’s baby had died. That was hard enough. How could I tell her that she had to carry him and continue to love him for another 2 days? 

During the next 3 hours the consultant confirmed that Harry had no heartbeat.

I drip fed Lauren a little information at a time. I knew she had the questions but I knew she didn’t want to hear the answers. Slowly she began to understand what happened next. Once she agreed to stop the pregnancy and sign the forms she could take the first tablet and then go home.

Lauren and Nick needed lots of support. The effect of the tablet was that Lauren’s bump disappeared. She didn’t look or feel pregnant yet she was carrying her baby still.

She found it hard to look at her body. Nick found it hard to cuddle her as her bump had gone. She didn’t want a bath or a shower. She didn’t want the doctors to touch her. Lauren felt a failure.

I tried to remind her that she had loved her baby for 33 weeks why would she stop loving him now. He may not be breathing but his spirit was still inside her and he still needed to be loved. I tried to tell her that when he was born he would need a cuddle and if she stopped loving him now then she would find it hard to cuddle him when he was born.

I stayed with Lauren and Nick for as long as I could on that Sunday night.

I offered to have Ella-Mae, as I didn’t want her to be upset seeing her mum and dad so distressed. However Ella-Mae was a bit of a saviour. She was oblivious to the last few hours and had had a great time with a very good friend. She made Lauren smile and that was good.

Lauren and Nick were exhausted. Once Ella Mae was asleep I left them to try to sleep and I went home to meet Mark who was on his way back from Cornwall. As I left Lauren’s house I looked up to the window. The little blue car was still where we had left it. I cried as thought of those photos that I would never take and of the places that Harry would never visit.

May 13^th 2013

Monday was the worst day.  The phone rang at 6.00am that morning.

“Sharon can you come? Lauren is really upset and just wants you”

I drove the 10-minute journey and joined my daughter in bed and just cuddled her. Lauren was so angry but not sure who to blame so she blamed herself. She questioned how Nick could love her when she had lost their baby? She felt helpless and so did Nick. Lauren and Nick had lost their baby but he was still inside Lauren. They didn’t know what to do.

I explained that this was all new to me but it was important to try to be as normal as possible for the sake of Ella Mae.

We did normal things when nothing was normal at all. We went for a walk, we had lunch, we watched TV, we sorted out some cupboards, we cried, we sat in silence. We kept looking at the clock it was a long day.

We talked of unimportant things and avoided the subject that was uppermost in our minds. How will we ever get through this?

Just when we were at our lowest ebb, Ella Mae asked for the little blue car. She knew it was in Harry’s room and she liked to play in there but she couldn’t understand why the door was closed.

It was the right time to talk to Ella Mae and explain that Harry was going to live in Heaven with Nanny Angel and that he wasn’t going to come home and sleep in the room. Of course Ella Mae was disappointed that she wasn’t going to have a baby brother but she soon smiled and said,  “So if Harry is not coming home can I keep the little blue car?” Lauren just looked at me and smiled “Every cloud.....” she said.

Ella Mae wanted to go into Harry’s room. She wanted to play with the little blue car. No one had been in the room since Sunday. It was full of Harry’s things and full of the joys and expectations that all mums gather in readiness for a newborn baby. Lauren nodded to me and indicated that it was OK to open the door.

Going into the room was hard. I tried to avoid looking at the cot ready for Harry with its tractor duvet cover and musical mobile. The changing mat was all set out with nappies and baby cream. Lauren was all organized all she needed was her baby and he wasn’t coming home.

Then I caught sight of the little blue car and I began to cry. Ella Mae noticed my tears and took the car to the photograph of Nanny Angel. She offered the car to my mum who was smiling from the photograph and asked her to give it to Harry who was in Heaven now. Of course then came all the questions.

How do you get to heaven and how come you can you never come back?

Before I had time to answer Ella Mae had taken the car into her room and in her imaginary world she was travelling to the park, to the soft play area and to the pub! The little blue car and Baby Harry were travelling with h er. The little blue car had started its journey. It was showing me how the road ahead would have some tough obstacles but it was important not to dwell on those obstacles and to try and find another way.

Ella Mae had found a way to bring a smile to my face. She would make sure that the little blue car went to all the places that were special to her and she would take baby Harry with her.

Tuesday 14^th May 2013

Tuesday was a surreal day. We all knew that baby Harry would be born asleep hopefully sometime today. None of us could imagine how we would feel when we met him, but we all knew that we were ready to meet him.

After a long wait Lauren was induced at 2.00pm. There were 6 of us in the room as well as the midwives. We knew that Lauren would have to have at least 3 more “treatments “ with intervals of 4hrs between each treatment! We were in for the long haul.

We had come prepared. We had sandwiches, flasks, cakes and sweets. We had lots of tea bags, coffee and magazines and of course we had our I phones and our I Pads.

We talked, we laughed, we sat in silence, and we slept. Somehow we all knew how to behave in order to support Lauren and Nick. Sometimes for a few brief seconds we forgot why we were there.

24hrs later we were all still in the room still waiting to meet Harry

Wednesday 15^th May 2013

At 2.15am on Wednesday morning the midwife came to give Lauren her final treatment. We were all visible shattered and so we all decided to leave Lauren and Nick for a couple of hours as Baby Harry didn’t look like he was going to make an appearance for a while.

Once home I fell asleep and awoke at 4.32am. There had been no call and no message. I text Lauren ”I am on my way”

As we entered the hospital doors at 4.50am the phone rang! Harry had been born at exactly 4.32am!

I walked into the delivery room with Nicks mum. Both of us were nervous but excited. I peeped around the door and there was my daughter with a beaming smile holding her newborn son.

“He’s just like Ella Mae Mum “ she said I am so happy! Is it Ok that I am happy?

I held back my tears “Of course its ok. You’ve waited nearly 9 months to meet your son and he’s beautiful”

Lauren and Nick had carefully chosen the clothes that he was wearing. He was wrapped in the christening shawl that my mum had knitted for my children and holding a little blue teddy that Nicks parents had bought him. He was perfect. It was difficult to believe that he wasn’t breathing. His little nose started to bleed as I cuddled him so I gently wiped it not wanting to hurt him.

His lips were a deep shade of red in the shape of rosebuds. He had a plenty of hair. His feet were big like his dads and his hands were small just like his mum.

Lauren had chosen a hat for him to wear which made us all laugh and all the midwives commented on it when they came to see our beautiful new addition to the family.

We drank tea, we talked of the last 24hrs and Harry stayed by Lauren’s bed in a special cot. We took photographs, which seemed the natural and normal thing to do.

After a few hours we left Lauren and Nick alone with their baby but when we returned it was obvious that the joy of Harry’s birth was being overcome by the reality of his death. The next few hours were going to tough. Just where do you get the strength to leave hospital without the son you have just delivered?

More questions…

How long could Lauren and Nick stay with him?

Where would Harry go when he left the delivery room?

How would he get there?

Which way would he be carried out of the delivery room?

Would people in the Maternity ward see him?

Who left the room first Lauren or Harry?

Was there an alternative way out of the room, as Lauren didn’t want to pass any other babies?

After spending just less than 12hrs with their son, Lauren and Nick left the room at 3.15pm on Wednesday 15^th May 2013.

Lauren didn’t want to leave Harry but she knew she couldn’t stay.  They were given the option of taking Harry home for the night but they both felt that it would not be fair on Ella Mae. Lauren and Nick kissed their son, promised to see him in the morning and walked out of the room without looking back. Nick’s mum went with them. Lauren wanted me to stay with Harry to make sure he reached the chapel of rest safely.

I stayed with Harry, together with Nicks Dad, Colin and my husband Mark. We waited for a porter to take Harry to the chapel of rest.

 The porter placed Harry into a tiny box and gently covered him with the shawl and tucked in his teddy.

He closed the box and held it in two hands. Carefully carrying Harry from the delivery room to the chapel of rest. Mark and Colin followed him and I waited in the room for a couple more minutes.

So much had happened in this room over the last 24hrs. It had been a safe place and a happy place at such a sad time. Six adults had shared a journey in this room and now we were all taking a different route. 

I was strangely attached to this room. This was where my journey had begun and I felt protected there from the reality that was about to hit me. I felt very vulnerable as I closed the door and walked along the corridor, out of the maternity suite.

As I walked, I glanced into the other rooms. There were smiling mums, happy midwives, balloons and flowers.

There had been no flowers or balloons in our room.

There were books and articles on bereavement. There were little angels and butterflies on the walls. It was a lovely room and there were moments when it had been a happy room. The midwives did smile and it had brought us all together as a family. I wondered if other mums knew that that room existed. I certainly didn’t 48hrs ago.

I had thought as I left the room and the hospital that that was the end of our journey but of course our journey was only just beginning.

I watched as Harry was carried out of the maternity ward. He was not in his car seat being carried by his proud parents. He was taking a different route out of the hospital, one that was still difficult to comprehend.

Once again the little blue car popped into my mind. Harry would never play with the little blue car but I knew that it was waiting for us at home on Harry’s windowsill and I imagined it was looking out of the window ready to guide us on the next stage of our journey.

Something Inside So Strong

Somewhere deep down in all mums is a strength that you don’t know is there.

Strength is an extraordinary phenomenon as most people think that it is characterized by visible muscle definition. Yet the greatest strength of all can be found deep within your heart. It is this invisible strength that a mum needs when her daughter is struggling with the loss of her child.

A damaged heart, like any muscle, needs time to heal. It’s too early for me to tell if my heart will ever fully recover from the strain that has been put upon it when its strength is tested to the limit.

My heart has been tested to its limit and although on the outside I seem strong and resilient the strength of my heart has been weakened but as a mother I try not to let the hurt show.

As a mother , you find the strength to search out the words you need to say, when your son or daughter, questions all the absolutes that you have instilled in them.

Somehow you find the strength to support your child when their heart is so full of sadness that it seems that all their strength has gone and you fear that their heart will never recover.

Somehow you find the strength to listen and hold back the tears as your child realizes she will never know the colour of her baby’s eyes or hear the sound of his voice.

You wonder in what book will you find the guidance to help your 23-year-old daughter and her 23-year-old partner arrange a funeral for your grandchild.

You wonder how you will explain to their 3-year-old daughter that her baby brother is not coming home to play with all the toys she has bought him.

You wonder how your daughter will cope leaving hospital without her baby.

For these things, and more, you will need to call upon that hidden strength.

So what is that hidden strength? What is it that keeps our hearts so strong

when tragedy strikes?

Well my mum always encouraged us to fill our hearts with love.  I am now certain that it is this love that has given me the strength to cope with all this pain.

That love is the invisible strength that has helped to keep my heart strong.

So as a mother of a grieving daughter, try to feed your heart with love and be sure that when that inner strength is needed your heart will be strong enough for both you and your daughter.

The Sound of Silence

There is no greater silence than that of an ultrasound scan of a sleeping baby.

There were 9 of us in the room and it seemed that none of us were breathing. The harsh reality was that we were all breathing but Baby Harry wasn’t!

There were no words that anyone could say. There were 3 mums in the room I hugged one of them, my daughter, and the other mum hugged her son.

We all sobbed and looked at the doctor and the midwives. They had seen the look before; they knew what we were thinking. The doctor simply said

”There are often no reasons why this happens, we are so sorry.”

We all had questions but no one wanted to ask them or even know the answers.

So I broke the silence and asked the first question

“Who would like a cup of tea?” Thankfully my daughter laughed, her partner smiled and the kettle was filled for the first time but it would definitely not be the last.

It was 11.30am on Sunday morning. Four hours later we left that room only to return 48hours later to prepare to meet Baby Harry.

In those first 48 hours I learned so much about myself and about life and indeed death.

I learned that one small tablet could begin the greatest of all tragedies.

I learned that 48 hours is the longest of times.

I learned that all maternity suites have a bereavement room and that room is soundproofed.

I learned its OK to laugh in this room.

I learned that making a cup of tea is very therapeutic.

I learned that a sleeping baby, inside a mummy’s tummy, still needs to be loved.

I learned that a cuddle and a smile work much better than words.

I learned that nothing is too much trouble for midwives caring for grieving parents.

I learned that the only question left unanswered is “why?”

I learned that birds sing all through the night

I learned that tears could be shed even when you are sleeping

I learned that 17 babies are born asleep every day.

I learned that delivering a sleeping baby is as joyful as delivering a crying baby.

I learned that a baby born still and asleep is still  born and still beautiful.

Baby Harry Smith arrived at 4.32am on Wednesday 15^th May. 2013

We had no idea then how one little boy could make such a difference to so many people.

The Birth of Harry’s Hope

Apart from the trauma of realizing that their baby was going to be born asleep, the thing that upset Lauren and Nick the most was the fact that they could not register his birth.

The day after he was delivered we all went to register his death. We were made aware that Harry was one of 17 babies that would have died that day. A statistic that shocked all of us! At that point Lauren and Nick wanted to ensure that Harry would not become just another statistic.

Such was the love that we had for Harry and for each other we all went away that afternoon determined that Harry would be remembered. Over a drink and a meal the idea of Harry’s Hope was conceived!

A day later we were told that it would be 3 weeks before we could have a ceremony to say goodbye to Harry we all thought it was too long. Yet once again there was a reason for this, it gave us time to plan Harry’s first event, his funeral. That was to be our first opportunity to raise awareness and funds for Harry’s Hope!

Harry’s funeral was planned to be a quiet family occasion. There would be only 30 people at the graveside and Lauren and Nick wanted everyone there to wear a special ribbon. A very close friend agreed to make 30 ribbons.

We produced leaflets with information about cuddle cots and introduced people to Harry. After Harry’s funeral we sent up balloons and vowed to make Harry’s short life make a big difference. Rather than flowers at Harry’s funeral, we asked for donations towards a cuddle cot for Rotherham Hospital. We raised £300 at Harry’s funeral. This generosity encouraged us.

Such was Lauren and Nick’s determination to raise the money for a cuddle cot they took the leaflets the following day to secure a room at a local Sports Arena. Harry’s Hope Fundraiser was booked for 6 weeks later!

The simple ribbon in pink or blue with a small teddy attached became the symbol of Harry’s Hope.

Lauren and Nick’s terrible situation had touched the hearts of everyone who heard their story.

On the day of the fundraiser more than 1000 ribbons had been made and sold and 100s of bracelets. Demand for them was huge.

Harrys Hope fundraising group used all their contacts to pull in amazing raffle prizes and support from small local businesses.

The doors opened at Sheffield Don Valley at 11.00am our first customers arrived at 11.05am. At 2.05pm our last customers left. We sat around a big table and counted the money we had raised. In just 3 hours we had raised £1,950.

There was an audible silence, a visible tear, looks of disbelief and pride. We hugged each other then gave out a tremendous cheer.

Harry’s Hope had done it we had raised the money for the cuddle cot with some to spare, Harry’s birth was finally registered. Harry’s Hope was born.