I Wish I Knew

 I WISH I KNEW

Who knew that

There is sometimes no reason why a heart stops beating.

No explanation to give to the parents who are grieving.
Who knew that
One single tablet will end nine months of waiting.
But it will be two long days to deliver the son you’re expecting

Who knew that

You’d have to go home, 

Where you’d meet your young daughter,

Who’d be holding the little blue car 

She’d bought for her brother.

Who knew that                                                         

You would feel so responsible and so full of guilt
When you looked around the nursery and the cot you had built.
Who knew that
You would have to go through full labour
Knowing full well that the son you’d deliver

Would be still and asleep and not take a breathe

Questioning how you would ever be able to start afresh.

But who knew that
The day of delivery would bring so much joy
As you cuddled and hugged your first baby boy
Who knew that
The room has been soundproofed especially for mum
Keeping babies cries out while she hugged her silent son
Who knew that

A baby born still and asleep
Could bring as much joy as if he had heartbeat
Who knew that
That the cot by the bed would your keep your baby cold

So, when your baby is born you have more time to hold
Who knew that

It’s ok to smile and it’s ok to laugh
It’s ok to give your baby a bath
Who knew that

In that quiet small room, there could be so much love
Where you had so much time but not long enough
Who knew that 

The journey out of that room

Would seem so long and would come far too soon
Who knew that

Because your child didn’t take a breath
There was no certificate of birth just one of his death.
Who knew that

The phrase when robins appear
Would be a sign for me that my mother was near
                                         

                                         Who knew that
                                         As we said our goodbyes at the chapel of rest

Two beautiful robins would sit outside on the fence
So I knew that
My grandson and my beautiful mum
Had appeared on that day to send us their love
They were there to tell me that there is a God up in  heaven
But I know it’s going to take time before I forgive him!
So, as I sit with my daughter and she asks me the questions
“Mum how do I cope what do I do?”
I hold her hand softly and say “I really, really wish I knew!”