Dads, Daughters and a Dodgy Filter

Dads, Daughters and a Dodgy Filter

Or

Advice for the “Buffer Generation”

There is a cry from the next room. Someone you love needs you. You look at the clock and its 3am. It seems that you have only just gone to sleep but that was 3 hours ago. You drag yourself out of bed and go to them with a smile and hopefully they don't sense that you are a little annoyed at being awoken from a lovely dream. You love them, reassure them, and make sure they are comfortable before you go back to bed knowing full well that you will be awake again in another 3 or 4 hours.

If you are a parent you will be able to remember nights like this. As parents we love and care unconditionally. We know that this is a short-term phase and eventually our children will grow up and we will not be needed as much.

But this is not my child that I am caring for, it’s my dad. As I help him out of bed and change his wet sheets and reassure him that its OK I reflect on how this time of my life has so many similarities to when I was a young mother.

When I knew I was going to be a mum I was ready for the sleepless nights and the endless washing. I knew there would be terrible twos and even worse teens. I knew I would be responsible for ensuring my children had good manners and respect for others. What I didn't know was that this would be repeated when I was an adult caring for an elderly parent and I now realise I am not at all prepared for what is ahead of me.

Dad is 76 and my sisters and me often describe him as someone who seems to have “lost his filter”

I have to remind him to be polite and remember his please and thank yous. I am at times embarrassed by his inappropriate remarks to perfectly innocent strangers and I have to make sure he maintains his personal hygiene!

I have indeed reverted to being the bossy parent whilst Dad displays all the traits of toddler to teenager in the same day!

I think I would have continued taking on the role of “bossy daughter” had dad not been admitted to hospital. He was in a ward with 2 other elderly gentlemen. They never had a visitor in 2 days! I chatted to them and found them to be interesting guys each with a story to tell. Their family lived away and they were very proud of their children’s achievements. Like dad, these were very proud men who did not want to be a burden but knew that they were.

I observed Dad while he was in hospital and he too charmed all who met him. Most people who have met my dad find him endearing. He’s a sociable chap and full of knowledge. He can hold a conversation about anything and everyone who meets him remembers him. I began to wonder why I found him so annoying and frustrating. With other people he was pleasant and polite but with me he was demanding and seemingly ungrateful.

It made me think about getting old and how difficult it must be. I began to realise how impatient I may have been with dad. I realised that I did not want to nag him as I nagged my children; I want to learn from him and spend quality time with him.

I actually wanted to have the same conversation with dad that I had with the two other guys on the ward. I wanted to be a daughter rather than a carer. I realised that caring for dad was making me resentful.

So I took time to read leaflets and talk to professionals. I realised I needed to get prepared in the same way I prepared to be a new parent.

I searched the Internet for articles on caring for an elderly parent. Just needing reassurance that the behaviour he was displaying is normal and that my feelings towards him were normal too.

Dad is now recovering at home.  I know I am beginning yet another learning journey. Just as I wrote my accounts of being a parent I now find myself writing an account of being a daughter who wants to care for her elderly dad without being his carer.

Since returning home from hospital Dad is actually no different. He still needs reminding about his manners and his filter still doesn't work but I think I have changed. I have stopped nagging him to brush his teeth and have a shower. If he wants to drink, and stay up all night, then that's up to him. He is old and weak but he still has most of his marbles!

I have made arrangements for professional carers to persuade him to change his underpants more than once a month and convince him that taking a shower will not make his nose bleed! I am now nagging social services rather than my dad to ensure he gets the care he needs to lead an independent life without having to rely on the love and support of his family.

So if you too are one of the “buffer generation” who spends their time either looking after elderly parents or babysitting for your grandchildren then take time to step back and smile when your dad asks the young nurse for her phone number and encourages her to sit on his knee. Don’t correct him when he complains that the hospital food must have been cooked by one of those immigrants and just excuse him when he asks for reassurance that the Indian doctor treating him is not a Muslim and likely to kill him rather than cure him!

Just accept that his filter doesn't work and it’s not your problem. Enjoy his company and act as daft as him!