Christmas Lights and Christmas Memories

Berry Lights in Pickering 2010

Dad loves the lights at Christmas. He keeps looking at our lights especially the ones around the fireplace. He seems to smile to himself as he peers at the berries amongst the garland. I wonder if he remembers when we bought them.

We bought those berry lights 9 years ago. They lit up the fireplace at the cottage in Pickering where we all stayed as a family. Mum had died 2 days earlier but somehow we managed to arrange a funeral, pack up several cars and travel a couple of hours up the A1. We took the lights and loads of other Christmas stuff to decorate a cottage for a Christmas that mum had planned and paid for, well before she became really sick. 

There was snow and a sense of peace

Mum never imagined not being at the cottage. The thought of having all her family together made her smile. So thanks to mum we all spent Christmas together.

I’d like to think that the reason dad is smiling as he admires the berry lights, is because he is remembering that Christmas.

It's a Christmas I will never forget. We laughed; we cried; we talked about mum. There was snow on the ground and there was a sense of peace amongst the sadness.

Every year since I have hung the lights on my own fireplace. I know mum would have loved them and they make me smile. So when I saw dad looking at the lights I tried to prompt him. I wonder what he remembers about that Christmas,

9 years ago.

Berry Lights  2019

“The lights look lovely, don't they Dad?”

“Ay” he says “ I remember we bought them for that cottage we all went to.

Where was it Sharon? It was bloody cold! It snowed that year didn't it? How long ago is that?”

“Its 9 years ago, Dad this year” I prompt him again.

“Bloody hell” he says “I’m amazed they are still working!”

No mention of mum. No words of comfort. Just a slight giggle as if he has made a joke! I try not to be angry or upset at his flippant reply. I was hoping I could hook him into talking about mum. He rarely talks about her.

I want him to talk about her. I want him to remember what day it is and why we all went there. But that's not how Dad works. I’m sure he remembers in his own way. I’m sure he remembers being sad and I’m sure he remembers mum not being there but he doesn't say anything. Instead he just smiles.

So I avoid venting my frustrations and I just say

“Yes Dad, those lights were built to last, just like you!”

Quick as a flash and shaking a fist in the air towards the heavens he says,

“Your mother was built to last but he had other plans”

That was all I needed. He does remember and he’s still angry.

Maybe next year I’ll return the lights to Dad’s house so he can smile at them every day!