Trying to Parent an Adult
Note to self……Do not treat your 77 year old father like one
of your teenage kids even if he acts like one!
Now if you have read some of my other posts then you will
know that I love my dad dearly and that over the last 12 months he has become
increasingly dependant upon me and the family to get around.
This week I totally lost it with him when he point blank
refused to do what I asked of him! I felt just like I did when I chastised my
kids in those difficult teenage years and they responded with a tirade of abuse
leaving me feeling like a crap parent. Except that I am not his parent I am his
daughter!
Maybe you are wondering what happened?
We were enjoying a lovely evening at the pub when Dad
decided he was going to chat up a lady. That's ok, but she was sitting with her
partner! After telling her she had lovely legs he set off to sit with her! It
was when I told him I didn't think that was appropriate and I tried to stop him
that he rounded on me. He did that finger-pointing thing, told me to get out of
his way and off he went to chat up the aforementioned lady!
I’ve never seen anyone move so fast with a Zimmer frame and
I’ve never heard the pub so quiet. Thanks to Norman on his organ for rescuing
me and singing “Will you still love me tomorrow” as dad tried to impress the
lady with tales of his time in hospital!
To say I was angry with him is an understatement! Not only
did he shout at me in front of the whole pub he then proceeded to order 2 more
pints of John Smiths after I told him we were leaving!
30 minutes after he had ordered the 2 extra pints I drove
him home in silence and wondered if he knew how angry and upset I was.
How dare he speak to me like that!!! In front of the whole
pub! I messaged my sisters for comfort and advice.
I was struggling to balance that love for him with that
utter frustration you get when you know you’ve lost the battle. Then my phone
pinged and the message read
“Remember Sharon, you can’t parent an adult”
Wow, how powerful was that!
Simple, but true. Dad is an adult who has had restrictions
forced upon him. I have been behaving like his parent trying to get him to do
everything he has been told to do; so just like an angry teenager he lashed out
and behaved in a manner that reminded me so much of my kids in those wilderness
years.
I was reminded that dad must hate being dependant on me.
That somehow he accepts his immobility when I am shopping for him and paying
his bills or managing his endless hospital appointments but when it comes to
his social life he really resents his lack of independence. Dad’s actions were
in no way excused but explained to me from a different angle
I was reminded that over the last year, doctors and carers
have told him how to live his life and he can see himself losing control. He
hasn't driven for nearly 12 months and he is more or less housebound. He has to
ask if he wants to go anywhere and just
popping down to the pub for a quick pint is out of the question.
Now here I was telling him whom he could talk to at his
local pub!
For a couple of days I gave him the silent treatment still
caring for his needs but in no way engaging in conversation with him. Now who
was behaving like a teenager?
So I have had time to reflect on the situation and I am
secure in the knowledge that Dad has no idea that he has upset me therefore
will not think to offer an apology. So tomorrow I will turn up as usual but I
will encourage him help me prepare a meal for both of us, I will take him the
Post Office and the Supermarket and allow enough time for him to pay his own
bills and do his own shopping.
As with my teenage children I will try to understand his
frustration, allow him to make his mistakes and be there for him when he needs
me.
Dad is an adult who is losing control so I must be an adult
who doesn't take control but one who steers him in the right direction…. That is
until he asks me to tax and insure his car so he can drive independently! I
think I am going to struggle with that one!
.
