Parents looking After Parents

The lighter side of life

Its amazing what you can learn on a visit to the local supermarket with elderly parents. Prior to this morning I had no idea

·       How to attach a shopping trolley to a wheelchair

·       How to do a 3 point turn with aforementioned wheelchair and

·       Which type of toothpaste is best if you wear a palette?

I arrived at the parent’s at 9.30am an hour later we arrived at Morrison’s. That was after I had managed to persuade dad

·       not to check all the doors 3 times before we left

·       to transfer the wheelchair from Dad’s car to my car

·       to get mum and dad  from the house into the car with seatbelts on

·       To drive to supermarket and actually find a disabled parking space. 

·       to  get mum  from the car into the wheelchair

I thought I was doing well. Then I lost dad…mum said not to worry as he wouldn’t go far as he didn’t have his stick! Nevertheless I had visions of stumbling upon him collapsed in the biscuit and cake aisle suffering from a panic attack having discovered there were no chocolate digestives in their usual place on the shelf!

Undeterred Mum and I explored the aisles of Morrison’s with both mum and me proving that we have hidden skills.  I came up with a couple of entrepreneurial ideas. The first one being the marketing of a training course for learner wheelchair drivers. Manoeuvres such as “reversing down the freezer aisle” and “three point turns by the salad bar” should certainly be part of some sort of induction programme before being allowed on the supermarket highways.

I also reckon that there is a gap in the market as far as wheelchair shopping trolleys are concerned. They should come complete with bell, learner plates and a wide load sign!!
I lost count of the number of times I had to apologise to totally innocent, middle aged customers, as  I collided into them or as they were attempting to do their weekly shop.

Having said that, it wasn’t always my fault. It seemed that in every aisle someone had placed a different type of obstacle just to test my manoeuvring skills. Empty trolley in one aisle, abandoned wheelchair in another complete with abandoned elderly gentleman ….and it was in the women’s hygiene section.

Talking of which I had never realised the variety of incontinence pads that were on offer and they apparently work out much cheaper per pad if you buy them in bulk…….mum worked that out without the use of a calculator!!!! That’s where mums hidden talents lie.

By the end of my shopping adventure I knew exactly how much one sachet of soap detergent costs and how much a single tetley teabag costs. However it was whilst travelling along the medical aisle that mum really impressed me with her new found knowledge. She seemed to know all the pros and cons of  every cream and every ointment that you could buy to treat every problem for every orifice in the body.

We did eventually find dad…….but 2 hrs later as we were trying to find a checkout wide enough for our wheelchair and trolley, with shopping piled so high that mum was hidden behind the packs of tena lady and the pots of natural yogurt (bought just in case mum had another outbreak of thrush so much for the creams and ointments.!!)

I spotted dad sitting on a bench just behind the checkouts. Next to him was a trolley filled with cream cakes, champagne, bacon and pork pies! It took me another hour to pay, pack groceries, parents and wheelchair into the car and then unpack them all again!  Dad was reading the obituary column in the Chronicle
“Why do you always read the obituary page first?” I asked him
“Just checking I’m not in it” he replied with a smile on his face.
That’s when I laughed and realised how much I had enjoyed my Saturday morning.
Thanks for sharing it with me.
Love you loads
R Sharon
xxxx

Trains, Planes and Automobiles

Or

 A Journey with my Dad!

Life is a journey and this journey taught me so many things about me, my mum and of course my dad. I have never travelled with my dad before alone so I always knew it was going to be an experience. I had to record the experience in the only way I know how, as a series of anecdotes. It’s all true!

Some advice for anyone planning a journey with my dad.

Before leaving the house allow at least 15minutes for dad to get into the taxi. This is about how long it took him to check all the doors in the house… twice and the car doors…. four times.

Pack nothing. Despite numerous attempts to smuggle his worn clothes out of his room at night dad insisted on appearing every morning wearing exactly the same outfit that he travelled in!

Imagine a child on their first journey on a train/plane and that’s my dad. He messed with everything that moved and pushed every button in reach. Then just before you are about to reach your destination he wants the toilet!

If at all possible try to leave dad’s stick on the train. Its only use is as a visual aid to get attention from pretty air hostesses who seem to think he is a lovely “old” man.

Make sure your luggage is light and easy to manoeuvre as you will also be pulling his circa 1950’s suitcase complete with dodgy wheels and several locks and baggage straps.

Learn to walk slowly and I mean really slowly. Dad never did rush anywhere but believe me when I say it took us 45 minutes walk to the departure gate in the airport.

Beware of moving walkways and escalators. After about the 3^rd escalator, dad managed to get off at the top without being hurled forward into my arms.

When approaching a moving walkway you will learn that dad has a technique of taking a little run and a little jump before stumbling onto the walkway. Position yourself in such a way that you are able to catch him before he falls!

Remember that when dad bends down he has a nose bleed so avoid any situation where dad has to place his head lower than his knees, but carry loads of tissues just in case!

Be aware that dad does not possess a wallet. This means that his deep trouser pockets are full of loose change which falls all over the floor when he tries to buy anything and he does not carry a credit or debit card which means you end up paying for everything

If dad does offer to buy a coffee at the airport he still thinks its 50p and expects change from a fiver!

Encourage dad to travel in elasticated waist trousers and slip on shoes. That is unless you want to avoid the embarrassment of dad showing his well worn underwear as he removes his belt and a nose bleed as he attempted to fasten his shoe laces.

Have some knowledge of trains planes and automobiles. Dad asked so many questions about the engine size, the maximum speed and fuel type of every mode of transport that I felt I was at one of his quizzes.

Insert the ear phones to your I pod as soon as possible. This allows you to give the impression that you can’t hear his corny chat up lines which he uses when meeting anyone wearing a skirt!

Once in the departure lounge search for a seat near some unsuspecting stranger, reading an English magazine and leave dad for 15 minutes. When you return you will find they are best buddies and you can read your book/magazine in peace!

When passing through the scanner at Manchester Airport allow time for dad to explain how his heart by pass will set of the machine. Be aware that the unsuspecting foreigner operating the scanner  won’t be able understand a word he is saying and is really more interested in dad removing his belt and his loose change from his pockets!

Dad keeps his passport in an inside pocket of his jacket with a zip that sticks. So every time he needs to show his passport be prepared to rescue the passport from aforementioned pocket and apologise to the queue of people forming behind you.

Don’t buy him a magazine for the journey. He is quite happy reading the emergency evacuation pamphlet over and over again.

Don’t buy Rose wine on the plane. He sent 2 bottles back as he said they were off and then demanded a coffee as compensation.

Let dad sit in the aisle seat because if dad is sitting near the window he will point out every landmark from 35,000ft even though all you can see is clouds.

On leaving the airplane rest assured you will be last to disembark and your bags will be the only ones left travelling round and round on the luggage conveyer belt……and dad will need the toilet!

Ensure that those meeting you at the end of your journey have a cold bottle of wine chilling in the fridge and as much patience as you!

So that was a first for me, all the way to Brussels, mum was with me, guiding me and keeping me calm. She was an expert at travelling with dad and little did I know how patient she must have been. Now I know why she always travelled with a pack up and a flask.

At one point I remember looking up to heaven and asking why she didn’t warn us of the “joys” of travelling with dad. Then I remember her telling me that where ever I travelled in the world I should make sure I enjoy the journey because once you get to your destination you will have learned so much. So what did I learn on this journey?

I learned that despite dad’s annoying habits he is quite good company.

I learned that taking your time can be quite relaxing and therapeutic.

I learned that dad needs a new suitcase and a wallet next time he travels and he certainly doesn’t need his bloody stick!!!

His next journey is the USA. Good luck Pammy>

R Sharon

A Sister's Response

Most of you have read Sharon's report on travelling with Dad to Belgium, an amusing little overview of planes and trains and cars.  Well, I can add to the experience.  Ignoring the little voice in my head questioning my sanity (which sounded suspiciously like Mum) I bit the bullet and bought a ticket to bring Dad back with me for a little break in the USA.  Dad was excited at the prospect and even decided to upgrade us both to business class, something he'd never done before and which I hereby register my appreciation!  Anyway, off we set and this is just a brief insight into the journey. 

The first thing I discovered is that travelling with my Dad is like travelling with a toddler - everything is slow, he questions everything, you have to constantly keep an eye on him and he is easily distracted  But we had a smooth tranition through Envoy check-in and security and then off to the business class lounge (which was pretty poor but Dad enjoyed it cos they had about 20 newspapers and he settled in to read them all!) The flight was called so we SLOWLY headed down to the gate. He was excited as we turned left on the aircraft into that inner sanctury one only normally sees behind the curtain.

He was a little disappointed with his seat - he was expecting leather and a little curtain around it - I pointed out that was probably first class.  Anyway, he soon cheered up when they brought him his first glass of champagne.  He carefully examined his surroundings and was like a kid in a candy store as he pressed buttons, lifted flaps and accepted his second glass of champagne and yet another newspaper to read. 

We took off and thats when I learnt the second thing about my Dad - he is an incorrigble flirt.  I don't know if that was always the case or if this is new but it wasn't long before he was flirting like crazy with the lovely Linda - ("Your eye make-up is lovely - did you do it yourself? You must have lovely long hair when it's not clipped up!" I kid you not, I could not make this stuff up!)  Apparently she was a 'trolley dolly' and not a 'wagon dragon' - new terminology even for a seasoned traveller like me! 

The third thing I learnt was that noise canceling headphones do not cancel out my Dad - they only make him shout louder to get my attention as I try in vain to watch a film. They also do not cancel out the sound of him reading and commenting on the in-flight business class menu for almost 8 hours solid. After reading every newspaper on the plane, the sky mall catalog and the duty free catalog cover to cover, he then turned his attention to the four page printed menu and studied it until he could recite it verbatim. He selected his main course after careful evaluation and discussion of all the options, asking questions like 'What's rocket when its at home?  Well why don't they just say lettuce?!" and then agonized over the wine selection finally settling for a chardonay ( "Aye, I prefer a red but I don't want it throwing all over me!).  He downed his glass (almost in one), then he tried mine, preferred that and the Lovely Linda ensured that his glass was constantly charged for the rest of the flight!

He didn't need the inflight entertainment as his seat kept him entertained for most of the flight as he experimented with different combinations of leg lift, extension, recline and massage modes.  I finally got him settled with blankets tucked around him (again, similarities to travelling with a toddler sprang to mind) and persuaded him to sleep, which he finally did - but not for long.  He was over excited with the prospect of tea and scones which he believed are always served in business class. Imagine his disappointment when it wasn't on the menu!  I pointed out he could go back to the galley and help himself to all manner of refreshments which pacified him as he announced he was going to get a cup of tea.  I went to the bathroom and came back to find him sipping yet another glass of white wine. When I questioned him about his request for a cup of tea he looked innocent and guilty at the same time and quickly knocked it back as if to hide the evidence of his poor choices.

As we neared our destiation it wasn't long before he was again playing with his seat, trying to get his tray out so they could once again feed him. The light snack choice caused him some consternation as it wasn't the expected scones and as the trolley dolly approached it was obvious he had a dilemma as the choices of bruschetta pizza or entree salad were not really on his wish list The menu once again came out and he started that nervous whistling thing he does when he's not happy and he struggled to choose between things, neither of which he really wanted. He finally selected the pizza. As the trolley approached he could barely contain his excitement and I wasn't sure it was because of the Lovely Linda or the prospect of yet more food! When the trolley stopped Linda delivered the news that the pizza was gone and all the only option was a cob salad with beef.  He wasn't happy!  Another glass of wine went some way to pacifying him but he picked at his salad ('what sort of salad has no tomatoes??!! And this is boiled beef, I'm not eating boiled beef!) and pushed his food around his plate. If he hadn't been belted in he would have done his usual trick of turning away from the table when presented with something he doesn't want to eat!

 

After flirting some more with the Lovely Linda we swopped places so he could look out the window as we prepared to land. 

He had a great time.  Immigratation and baggage and customs are another story I will tell another day!

 

Mum was ever present by her abscence and it struck me how much she would have enjoyed the whole business class experience and regretted that she spent all those years flying across to us and they never once upgraded.  But a little voice (again, sounding suspiciouly like Mum) told me not to be worrying about things I couldn"t change.

 

I'm sure I'll have enough material for a small sitcom series by the end of this holiday so watch out for more emails.

Love

R Pammy