Hey Mum

We Are Everything We Are Because You Loved Us

What would you do when you found out that the one person who has been constant in your life has been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer?

What would you say to the person who you love more than its possible to explain, when she tells you she has terminal lung cancer.

Who would you turn to for support when you find yourself at the bottom of a black hole with no light in sight because you discover your mum has terminal lung cancer?

This is a personal account of how my life changed forever on the the evening of Tuesday 8th June 2010 at approximately 5.45pm when I was found out the answers to all of  those questions.

The following 195 days or 30 weeks or 6 months from 8th June 2010 to 20th December 2010 were to be the best and the worst days of my life.
For those of you reading this who have lost your mum I know you will have experienced many of the emotions that I hope recall as I write. For those of you who are lucky enough to still have your mum around I hope that you will realise how a mum is someone quite unique and maybe appreciate her a little bit more than you sometimes do.



Mum was 73 years old when she died from lung cancer. She had never smoked a cigarette in her life and was the centre pin of our worldwide family.

Some people may think that 73 is a good age and that she had had a good life. That’s true she had had a good life and was blessed with a loving and caring family. Nevertheless her diagnosis came at a time when she had everything to live for.

Dad had survived skin cancer, a heart attack, a heart by pass and a stroke so after 2 years of caring for my Dad they were planning a holiday with the whole family. Dad had been given the all clear on March 2010 and Mum's first great grandchild was due in August 2010

So when Mum went to the doctors with an irritable cough, tiredness and weight loss she expected the doctor to tell her she needed a holiday and that she was just run down.He obviously didn't deliver the news we all expected. However mum remained positive and independent, right until the last few weeks of her life.

She died on Dec 20th 2010 just 8 months after diagnosis.

She was determined to live life to the full and not let the cancer interfere with her family. In fact it was a real chance to get the family together.

I live locally but one of my sisters lives in USA and one lives in Belgium. Dad's illness had meant that we saw more of each other but as soon as we realised that Mum's prognosis was not good we celebrated at every opportunity.

The celebrations began in June 2010 when Mum reached 73, she celebrated 40 years of marriage in July. Her great granddaughter was born in August and I was 50 in September with my daughter celebrating her 21st the day before me.

Dad's birthday was in October and in November my daughter moved into a new house with her new baby and partner.

Mum was central to all these family occasions and although her condition was worsening each week she was determined that she was going to enjoy every opportunity to celebrate.

Mum never really accepted that she was not going to get better. She needed to be positive and stay in control, always saying that she was not going to let the cancer beat her.

Mum even planned our Christmas Break in Dec 2010. She booked and paid for a group of cottages in North Yorkshire because she wanted us all to be together at Christmas. We did go away for Christmas but sadly mum did not make it.

The support we received from the MacMillan Nurses and the local PCTs was amazing. As mum's condition worsened we were offered carers and support throughout the day and night, which meant that mum, could stay at home rather than go into a hospice.

We stayed with Mum for the last 4 weeks of her life, getting up at 5.00am in the morning because that was when she was at her brightest.  It was a really sad time but it was also the best of times. Mum had her 3 daughters with her and the house was always happy.

Mum slept a lot in the final weeks but we did manage to go through old photographs and name those people we didn't know. Mum went through her jewellery and explained who had bought her what, why and where.

As the cancer really took hold and the pain increased and Mum was unable to take her medication, she was put on a "driver "which kept her almost pain free for the last week of her life.

She died the day after we celebrated my sister’s birthday. We had been to church and prayed that Mum would be welcomed into God's home. On our return it was obvious that Mum was struggling.

We sat by her bed and listened as she struggled to breathe. Although none of us said it I am sure we all told her that it was OK to leave.

Now I had heard that just before someone passes from one world into the next that they see someone who comes to guide them.

It was my sister who saw the smile and my sister who beamed as she saw mum open her eyes for what would be the last time. We all gathered around mum and enjoyed her final moments as she passed away peacefully and smiling. Someone she knew and loved had obviously come to guide her.

Its difficult to describe those moments immediately after. For me it was disbelief. I heard my sister say “I didn’t mean it mum you can stay if you want”

Mum had died and our world had changed forever.

In the months before she died and the months afterwards the one thing that kept us all strong was the communication we shared through E Mail and Facebook.

We shared our feelings which ranged from anger to despair to pure numbness.

I am hoping to use this blog to show how we coped and should anyone read it and gain some comfort from it then I know mum would be pleased that I wrote it.

Thanks for reading 

R Sharon

Extracts and E Mails

My way of coping with the news of mum's illness was to write. Here is an extract from my journal

Tuesday 8th June 2010
Today I learned that mum had terminal lung cancer. The person I admire most in the world sat very calmly in her conservatory and gently told me her sad news.
I listened for about 45mins as she went through all the stages that she had already endured ....alone

• visiting the doctor
• hearing the words....lung cancer
• having scans, investigations, biopsies......all alone

You see that's mum, life deals her shit and she just carries on copes with stuff and stays positive, even the news that she has lung cancer!

I listened and held back my tears, not asking many questions just letting mum go through the details of her journey so far.
She had been told the news on May 25th 2010 but had waited until I returned from holiday before she told me.
I am the last daughter to find out. Apparently Pam has known a while and Wendy was told on 1st June!
I wonder why mum is not bitter and angry, because I am. She has cared for dad for the last 2 years and then she gets this bombshell!
What do you say when the one constant in your life tells you she has cancer? She was, as ever, very positive, told me God was Good and that she was starting treatment to beat it! I was just numb not sure what to say or do but I could tell she could see I was angry and not at all interested in all that God is Good stuff! She held my hand and reminded me of all there was to look forward to in the next few months. She made me promise not to share the news with anyone else as she really didn't want to be treated differently.
She then went into the kitchen and made another cup of tea!


When I left the house I drove to the end of the road, pulled over and cried like I have never done before. From the pit of my stomach came an outpouring of emotion that I haver never experienced in my life.
 I had just heard the news that my mum had terminal lung cancer and from that day on every moment with mum was going to be special.

I managed to drive home but when I got into the house I could not explain to my husband, Mark why I was crying so uncontrollably. I just could not say the words. Mark eventually calmed me down ran me a bath and I soaked away my tears whilst texting my sisters in the USA and Belgium.
The text went something like this.....

"Been to see mum, she told me the news I am in shock!"
Both sisters replied
" Need to talk?"
My response
"Can't stop crying, maybe later, love you both"

Another extract from my journal

Thursday 10th June 2010
The last couple of days have been  tough. Although I am at work in body, my mind is somewhere else. I feel I should tell someone but I am too raw, I can't even say the words out loud to myself never mind to someone else. I did speak to Pam and she calmly told me things I needed to know but didn't really want to hear.

• Most painful type of cancer
• Slow growing cancer
• Spread into both lungs, kidneys, Lymph nodes. Lower back
• May have had it for 2 years
• Mum was on the strongest type of painkillers and steroids
• Stage 4 cancer, there is no stage 5.

This news makes me realise that our time with mum is limited. I listened carefully as Pam told me all she knew, not really believing that this was mum we were talking about, all the time hating that word CANCER.
When I got off the phone I practiced saying
"my mum has got end stage lung cancer" I said it over and over again until I could say it without crying!
I still feel empty inside, I want to talk about it but can't I want to tell people but can't I want to act normal but can't.
I feel like I am starting to read a book where I know the ending. I don't want to read the middle bit because its going to be upsetting, but if i don't read the middle bit the end will come sooner so I keep reading..... as slowly as I can.

As well as my journal E Mail was another way of coping.
Here are are the first of many that travelled into cyber space and back.

From: Pamela Sanders

Date: 10/06/2010 05:44:05

To: Wendy abbott;  Sharon Abbott

Subject: Meltdowns

Just so we are clear, just so there is no doubt, you both have to know that there are moments when the enormity of the situation is so overwhelming, so immobilizing, that I can hardly breath.  Like tonight.  I'm driving home after a 'working evening' with a bunch of colleagues and suddenly I remember - life is never going to be the same again.  It's true, it's real, Mum is going to die. And of course at some level we always knew that.  That's life.  But now it's real. Sooner rather than later, she won't be sitting in her blue armchair with a cup of tea at the side of her, watching the world go by on Manor Rd.  She won't call us when we are really busy and want to talk to us.  She won't be there when we want to talk to her.  I could go on, but that wasn't the point of this email.  I just wanted you both to know that I am not some sort of super human who handles everything coolly.  None of us are.  I have meltdowns. Messy, dribbly, ugly meltdowns. Regularly. 

We are going to have to be there for each other, just like always.  

I love you both. None of us have to do this alone.

Now the question is will I hit 'send' or put this in my 'drafts' folder?

xxxxxx


From: sharonabbott155@msn.com
To: wendyabbott1@hotmail.com; pamsanders999@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: Meltdowns
Date: Thu, 10 Jun 2010 20:23:49 +0100
Just wanted to say that after 48hrs in the know I am still unable to say the words "My mum has incurable lung cancer"
I can write it and think it but I can't yet say it! Its almost as though once I say it it is real. I know it is but I don't want it to be.
Pam I'm glad you pressed send  too and more so  talking to you last night helped a lot. I went to work and told my 2 closest friends and my boss.I am just so pleased you are both there. Pam you were so brave keeping the news to yourself and Wendy I am not sure I could have heard the news over the phone, that must have been hard!
Mark went to see Mum today, he is struggling too I think so we mustn't underestimate how much mum  means to our other halves too not to mention Dad!
Looking forward to seeing you Sunday Wendy. I have booked Monday off work so I can go to the hospital with you.
Love you both loads
Sharon

---

------Original Message-------

Date: Thu, 10 Jun 2010 10:56:28 +0200

From: wendyabbott1@hotmail.com
To: sharonabbott155@msn.com; pamsanders999@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Meltdowns

I am happy you hit the 'send' button Pam.

I am terrified too.

Just like always, we will be there for eachother...and for Mum and Dad. 

There is no magic formula to make it better, there are going to be good days and bad days for all of us.

Lets keep talking to each other, and just as important....listening.

Xxxxxxx   

---

SECRETS AND CELEBRATIONS

So began the chapter of my life that I called "Secrets and Celebrations". There was so much to look forward to in 2010, and Mum didn't want her illness to impact on any of the celebrations. So we did what we were good at and just got on with life all the time having this immense secret to keep.
Communication between the 3 sisters via E Mail was so important.
Mum's birthday was to be the first event to celebrate on 25th June 2010.
The following is a series of E Mails that we sent to each other when trying to think of a gift to buy for mum for what we all secretly knew would be her last birthday. What do you buy for the person who has everything in life yet is facing death?

From: Pamela Sanders

Date: 11/06/2010 05:14:18

To: Wendy abbott;  Sharon Abbott

Subject: gift for mum's birthday

Hi,

I've been trying to think what we could buy mum for her birthday and so have drawn a blank - rose bushes? head scarves? garden bench? life insurance? You can see where this is going!  And what do you buy the woman who has everything to last her a life time? Attempt at light humour there - did it work? 

Anyway, I was thinking about a compilation album we could put together onto an ipod for her, something she could listen to while she's having treatment or just sitting in her garden room - what do you think?

I've already got a few together including  Cherry Ripe (yes I found that one!), I just called to say I love you, rambling rose, Gilly Gilly ossenfeller, (that took some finding!) Que sera sera, It's a wonderful world, Somewhere over the rainbow, poetry in motion, venus in blue jeans.  Can you think of any others that are good sing alongs?  Not trying to get maudlin here, just trying to celebrate and put together a musical legacy, something to sing along to and laugh with.

Let me know, even ask the kids, they might have some memories of Nan rocking or dancing,  and get back to me.  I'll download them, put them onto my old ipod which I don't use anymore and we can gift wrap it.

Of course if you think a rose bush or head scarf is a good idea we can go with that too.....

Love you

Pam

Wendy replied

PS....bought the scarves ages ago in India....hows that for being organised...?

Love you both

Wx

Fab idea Sis!!!

....what about Rolf Harris....the ladies of the harem of the court of king Caraticux

Tie mi kangaroo down sport

Jake the peg, with my extra leg.

Morecombe and Wise....bring me sunshine

Grandfather's clock

Sweet Caroline

I saw a mouse, where, there on the stair..singing clip clipity clop on the stair......

( downloaded from Junior Choice favourites)

Knees up mother brown

Puff the magic dragon 

Songs from Mary poppins/sound of Music

Nat king Cole

George Formby..I'm only cleaning windows

Susan Boyle?!!??

If you were the only girl in the world

Paper roses...Marie Osmond!

Gary Glitter....do you wanna be in my gang my gang my gang!!!!!!

Puppet on string, Sandy Shaw

Mary Poppins....supercalafragulistic expealidoshus

Dana..All kinds of everything remind me of you

Cilla Balck.....

Shriley Bassey....I am what I am

All things bright and beautiful 

Tom Jones..........Delia, Greeen green grass of home.....

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine....

They are probably complete rubbish, but I have enjoyed singing them just now!!!!

Love you both

Chin Up.....nobodys got a leg off!!!

wendyxx

From: Sharon Abbott

Date: 11/06/2010 20:57:22

To: Wendy abbott;   Pamela Sanders

Subject: gift for mum's birthday

What about ......

       Living on a Prayer??

       Staying Alive???

Sorry girls weird sense of humour!

Some great choices Sis maybe we should ask Marion to knit an I Pod Cover?

Love you both

R Sharon

And so the E Mails continued throughout the summer.


Keep Calm and Carry On!

It was  Mum's birthday on 25th June 2010 and as the previous E Mails show we had tried to be positive and had indeed put together a compilation of songs on a newly acquired I Pod.

Wendy and Pam  arrived in the country in time to celebrate. Here is an extract from my journal which I think describes how we were all really feeling

"Today is Mum's birthday, she is 73years old and is so pleased to be amongst her three daughters. I feel quite emotional at the thought that she may not be here next year. When she's not looking I keep glancing at her and its as if she is taking a mental picture of the moment and storing it away in the memory box of her mind.

I know it will be these moments that will keep mum smiling when times are tough for her, and I also know that we have made many of these moments in the past but it still makes me sad to know the opportunities to capture these moments are soon going to disappear. I actually can't imagine celebrating my mums birthday when she is not going to be there in person. I know there is no doubt that we will always celebrate her life on 25th June every year but today I have had moments when I have looked at mum  and felt very sad"

We went to a Comedy Night at a local Hotel on the evening of Mum's birthday. I thought about it afterwards and I remember wondering what mum must have thought at the idea of spending what could be her last birthday amongst 250 other people eating Pie and Peas and listening to smutty jokes from 2nd rate comedians. What was I thinking of?

Then I looked at a picture of mum taken on this night, where mum was with her 3 daughters her grandchildren and her husband and she was laughing.....thats a moment I will remember and it was certainly a night she remembered!

Mum kept a journal and she wrote about her birthday. 

"I open my cards they are lovely. Its so good to be loved so much and the fact that they can tell me is worth more than words can say. We spent the evening at Tankersley Manor listening to some dubious comedians. It was good to be with the girls and some of my grandchildren. I have received cards from them all and their sentiments are so special. Even they are learning to express their love. A wonderful day, thank you all Love you"

Mum  also left messages for us on the back of her birthday cards from that year. She knew it would be her final birthday and she wanted us to know how much she had enjoyed her birthday. 
We found the cards when we were sorting through mum'§s things after she died. She had left everyone a handwritten message. We passed them on because of course, thats what she would have wanted. My card simply said

"Thank you Sharon
I am what I am because you love me
Mum x "


The celebration of mums life continued in July. It was to be mum and dads ruby wedding anniversary. Back in February we were planning a big family party but with dads illness mum had said she didnt want a party.

Mums Messages

Whilst we were E Mailing each other, mum was busy Emailing us and others,  with positive accounts of her days. She was a constant source of comfort for others who had no idea of the finality of her situation. One of our Aunties was suffering greatly at she nursed her partner through cancer and Mum spoke to her of having faith and not being bitter.

Heres a couple mum sent to Pam at the same time as  we were reeling with the news of her cancer

From: elaronndy@hotmail.co.uk
To: pamsanders999@hotmail.com
Subject: candid camera
Date: Wed, 9 Jun 2010 15:29:58 +0100

well love been and had scan took about 45 mins and I laid there iistening to the beat of the cameras and almost fell asleep. 
I am sure all will be OK and wait to hear the results next monday.
I am just devourig a dish of ice cream ther are some compensations to this it tastes gorgeous forgoton howgood it tasted
started on lovely box of chocs last night will be back to normal size in no time.
love you lots mumxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

From: elaronndy@hotmail.co.uk
To: pamsanders999@hotmail.com
CC: o.wurtz@hotmail.com
Subject: special days
Date: Mon, 21 Jun 2010 22:07:59 +0100

hi there , just having a quiet time thinking lovely thoughts of two very special people on this very special day. Yes its midsummer and the longest day, its the day you two made it extra special and shared it with those you love.
Memories of you two making the biggest committment of your lives to care for each other no matter what life had in store for you, and sharing he moment  was   beautiful and  very emotional .
 To be sharing   such a wonderful day with oles mum and your family and friends is one of the greatest gifts you could have given to us
We had such a lovely day and laughed  so much not to mention the copious amount of alcohol then the sleeping arrangements so many hilarious moments
We had the time of our lives.     
the sun has just gone down leaving a beautiful pastel painting of azure blue and flamingo pimk shaped clouds yes life is good and we can share the moment love you both mum 

In the message below she has started spending her money, knowing that Dad was going to be OK. The garden brolly was just one of her many purchases over the next few months

from: elaronndy@hotmail.co.uk

To: pamsanders999@hotmail.com

Subject: 

Date: Fri, 2 Jul 2010 23:43:50 +0100

hi there good news dad has been discharged from stroke clinic.  Janette spent 45 mins talking to us and was so pleased with him . The physiotherapist who took care of him, saw him walk into the clinic and was amazed. She said she couldnt believe he had reached such a level of mobility in such a short time. Her own estimation of Geralds recovery would be september, six months after he left hospital. 
We are pleased with this , and Janette insists we keep in touch, if any worrys, bacause she said Gerald was a very special patient and everyone one on the ward thought very highly of him.   
Its been a lovely hot day here again and we have sat here in the  garden room most of the time, Lauren came for lunch and we had a fresh salmom salad followd by fresh fruit and it was lovely.
Mark has been and finished off the garden he has removed the broken slabs behind the garage and put pebbles down, it looks lovely. Your Dad and I were both so happy to just sit here all night watching the the birds, life is good 
Think we may BBQ tomorrow.
I have found a Garden Brolly at home base and just reserved it on the web it is 2.7m, and in the sale £35 they only had 2 left so with the hot weather predicted for the next few days at least I thought  had better be positive and get in there quick. 
well love you should be looking forward to a nice evening with Ole, thinking of you both love you so much mum XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX