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| Berry Lights in Pickering 2010 |
Dad loves the lights at Christmas. He keeps looking at our lights
especially the ones around the fireplace. He seems to smile to himself as he peers
at the berries amongst the garland. I wonder if he remembers when we bought
them.
We bought those berry lights 9 years ago. They lit up the
fireplace at the cottage in Pickering where we all stayed as a family. Mum had
died 2 days earlier but somehow we managed to arrange a funeral, pack up
several cars and travel a couple of hours up the A1. We took the lights and
loads of other Christmas stuff to decorate a cottage for a Christmas that mum
had planned and paid for, well before she became really sick.
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| There was snow and a sense of peace |
Mum never imagined not being at the cottage. The thought of
having all her family together made her smile. So thanks to mum we all spent
Christmas together.
I’d like to think that the reason dad is smiling as he
admires the berry lights, is because he is remembering that Christmas.
It's a Christmas I will never forget. We laughed; we cried; we
talked about mum. There was snow on the ground and there was a sense of peace
amongst the sadness.
Every year since I have hung the lights on my own fireplace.
I know mum would have loved them and they make me smile. So when I saw dad
looking at the lights I tried to prompt him. I wonder what he remembers about
that Christmas,
9 years ago.
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| Berry Lights 2019 |
“The lights look lovely, don't they Dad?”
“Ay” he says “ I remember we bought them for that cottage we
all went to.
Where was it Sharon? It was bloody cold! It snowed that year
didn't it? How long ago is that?”
“Its 9 years ago, Dad this year” I prompt him again.
“Bloody hell” he says “I’m amazed they are still working!”
No mention of mum. No words of comfort. Just a slight giggle
as if he has made a joke! I try not to be angry or upset at his flippant reply.
I was hoping I could hook him into talking about mum. He rarely talks about
her.
I want him to talk about her. I want him to remember what
day it is and why we all went there. But that's not how Dad works. I’m sure he
remembers in his own way. I’m sure he remembers being sad and I’m sure he
remembers mum not being there but he doesn't say anything. Instead he just
smiles.
So I avoid venting my frustrations and I just say
“Yes Dad, those lights were built to last, just like you!”
Quick as a flash and shaking a fist in the air towards the
heavens he says,
“Your mother was built to last but he had other plans”
That was all I needed. He does remember and he’s still angry.
Maybe next year I’ll return the lights to Dad’s house so he
can smile at them every day!
