Christmas Lights and Christmas Memories

Berry Lights in Pickering 2010

Dad loves the lights at Christmas. He keeps looking at our lights especially the ones around the fireplace. He seems to smile to himself as he peers at the berries amongst the garland. I wonder if he remembers when we bought them.

We bought those berry lights 9 years ago. They lit up the fireplace at the cottage in Pickering where we all stayed as a family. Mum had died 2 days earlier but somehow we managed to arrange a funeral, pack up several cars and travel a couple of hours up the A1. We took the lights and loads of other Christmas stuff to decorate a cottage for a Christmas that mum had planned and paid for, well before she became really sick. 

There was snow and a sense of peace

Mum never imagined not being at the cottage. The thought of having all her family together made her smile. So thanks to mum we all spent Christmas together.

I’d like to think that the reason dad is smiling as he admires the berry lights, is because he is remembering that Christmas.

It's a Christmas I will never forget. We laughed; we cried; we talked about mum. There was snow on the ground and there was a sense of peace amongst the sadness.

Every year since I have hung the lights on my own fireplace. I know mum would have loved them and they make me smile. So when I saw dad looking at the lights I tried to prompt him. I wonder what he remembers about that Christmas,

9 years ago.

Berry Lights  2019

“The lights look lovely, don't they Dad?”

“Ay” he says “ I remember we bought them for that cottage we all went to.

Where was it Sharon? It was bloody cold! It snowed that year didn't it? How long ago is that?”

“Its 9 years ago, Dad this year” I prompt him again.

“Bloody hell” he says “I’m amazed they are still working!”

No mention of mum. No words of comfort. Just a slight giggle as if he has made a joke! I try not to be angry or upset at his flippant reply. I was hoping I could hook him into talking about mum. He rarely talks about her.

I want him to talk about her. I want him to remember what day it is and why we all went there. But that's not how Dad works. I’m sure he remembers in his own way. I’m sure he remembers being sad and I’m sure he remembers mum not being there but he doesn't say anything. Instead he just smiles.

So I avoid venting my frustrations and I just say

“Yes Dad, those lights were built to last, just like you!”

Quick as a flash and shaking a fist in the air towards the heavens he says,

“Your mother was built to last but he had other plans”

That was all I needed. He does remember and he’s still angry.

Maybe next year I’ll return the lights to Dad’s house so he can smile at them every day!

Sleepovers, Social Media and Baby Loss Awareness Week

This week has been Baby Loss Awareness Week #BLAW.

In previous years I have spent most of this week at local hospitals supporting their events and attending their memorial services, both as a Trustee of 4Louis and as Harry’s Grandma

However, this year, I have approached #BLAW very differently. I made a decision to make memories with Harry’s siblings and cousin during this important week 

 

On the day I should have been meeting the local bereavement team I was searching for conkers near our local pond with Harry’s cousin, Oliver and his brother, Bradley.

On the morning of one of the memorial services I was watching Harry’s sister, Lilly Bet, jump into the deep end of the swimming pool for the very first time and when I should have been supporting the maternity team at a 4Louis coffee morning I was teaching Ella Mae how to sew a drawstring bag!

Just because I was not present at all the events I was invited to does not mean I am not supporting #BLAW.

Just because I haven’t posted on social media that this week is #BLAW does not mean I am not supporting it.

I have thought about Harry all week. I have taken every opportunity to talk about him and I have responded to all the posts and tweets that I have seen.

However instead of posting on social media I have privately messaged all those families that I have met over the last six years and let them know I am thinking of them. I wanted to reach out to those people who I know are feeling the same feelings as me. This week I have made time for those people.

Harry changed our lives and introduced me to a charity I didn't know existed. Six years ago I would probably have scrolled past any post on social media that was informing me of Baby Loss Awareness Week. Just as I have scrolled past similar posts this month informing me that October is National Disability Employment Month and Breast Cancer Awareness Month and National Cholesterol Month as well as ADHD Awareness Month.

All of these “Awareness” posts made me reflect on how to support and raise awareness of a cause that is very special to me. If I feel overwhelmed by all the  “Initiatives” happening this month then maybe others will just scroll past any post I submit about Baby Loss Awareness Week. I began to ask myself who was reading my posts and tweets and I found myself questioning my use of social media.

At this point I must emphasise that I love social media as a way to connect with people and I will continue to use it to raise awareness for all the charities that I support. However this month social media has highlighted how many charities need support in October. Like all of us who use facebook and twitter I am made more aware of the problems we all face and I use social media as a tool to raise awareness as well to raise much needed funds. However, I too am guilty of scrolling over many of the “Awareness “posts.

Its not that I don't care about them, its just that, as yet, they haven’t touched me personally so I suppose I don't really understand the impact they have. 

Losing Harry touched me personally in a way that I was totally unprepared for. He sent me and indeed my family on a path that we never imagined.

Six years ago I was one of only nine people who met Harry. Six are family members and three are midwives. We experienced, first hand, the impact that holding a child in your arms who will never open their eyes or take a breath can have. No words on social media can do that justice.

Don't get me wrong Social media has been a powerful tool to raise funds and support for 4Louis a charity very close to my heart.

I have met some amazing people and I am inspired by many others that I only know through their hash tag on Twitter and Instagram.

But this year I wanted to remember Harry without the help of social media. I wanted to make memories and if I got the chance I wanted to talk about Harry to people in his family whom he had never met and indeed who would not be part of our family if it weren’t for him! This weekend I did get that chance as Harry’s brother and sisters had a sleepover!

Harry’s brother Bradley is just starting to recognise people in photographs and he points them out and says their names. Harry can be found in small photo frames in most rooms in our home. As he pointed out his sisters and his parents I took the opportunity to introduce him to Harry.

As we were sewing and watching you tube on the computer Lilly Bet caught a glimpse of Harry and she talked about him and asked what he would be doing in heaven?

Ella Mae is very much aware of Harry and when she saw Bradley playing with the little blue car she explained to him that it was his brother’s car.

There have been no tears when we talked about Harry, just smiles and that is how I have remembered Harry this year…. with a smile.

Tomorrow is Wave of Light and I will light a candle and I will probably shed a tear and I’m sure I will post it on social media. I know and understand and accept that there will be some people who will scroll past it and I’m OK with that.

Social Media has a part to play in raising awareness but this week I have realised the value of stepping away from a screen to raise awareness where it really matters. In my case I realised that was very close to home. I talked about Harry to his siblings knowing that they wouldn't be here if it weren’t for a little man who I met six years ago who was wearing a stripey blue hat and was wrapped in blanket with a blue kangaroo.

God Bless Little Man.

My Sunshine Girl

Balloons Banners and Bar B Qs at 30!

There’s something about a birthday that makes me reflective and today is no exception. It’s 30 years ago today that I met Lauren for the first time. As it's a milestone birthday I have spent the last couple of weeks looking through 30 years of photographs and boy do they tell a story? As I have looked through old photographs I have asked myself several questions….

“What did you see when you looked in the mirror? “

“Maybe you didn't have a mirror!”

“Did no one ever advise you on your choice of outfits?”

“Did you really think you looked good in that?”

“Who on earth cut your hair?”

Then of course I look at the images of Lauren and I am reminded of places we’ve visited and experiences we have shared.

The photographs actually show that Lauren has had more life experiences in her 30 years than I have had in nearly 60! Most of these have been captured on camera and in almost every photograph Lauren is smiling even when there has been little to smile about!

 

Amongst the balloons, the banners and the Bar B Qs. images of the same family members can be found at Lauren’s birthday celebrations. Some of those family members are no longer with us and some of them are now looking their age. I thought that I have stood the test of time and then I look at my taste in clothes, my permed hair and gigantic glasses and then I realise that that's probably why Lauren is smiling!

 

When she was born I wrote Lauren a letter. It welcomed her into the family and it told her that she would always be loved but it also warned her that sometimes life would be tough. I’m not sure I realised how tough life could be when I wrote that letter.

Lauren has experienced sadness that I will never be able to appreciate when she lost her son Harry and she has navigated the legal and social system with such love and determination in order to adopt our beautiful Lilly Bet.

She has made some brave decisions to ensure that Ella Mae and Lilly Bet live in a settled and happy home with their brother Bradley and her partner Danny.

For me she epitomises today’s blended family and although there have been some tough times and lots of changes there is one thing that has never changed.

That is the beauty of Lauren’s smile.

I am so proud of her!

As a little girl I called her my Sunshine Girl.  I sang, “You are my Sunshine” at every opportunity, which was quite sweet when she was 3 but apparently not so endearing when she was 13 so it’s obviously not appropriate at 30!

So for Laurens birthday today I will not sing “You are my Sunshine” and I will not dig out embarrassing photographs of when she was little, naked in the bath.

In stead I will reflect on the good times we have shared and the support we have had from friends and family over the years. I will attempt to capture a picture of Lauren on her 30^th birthday that she can share with her children when they reach the big 30 and I shall raise a glass to count my blessings.

I hope that she will always know how proud I am of her and of the woman she has become.

Tomorrow is my birthday and as I blow out the candles on my cake I will be thinking of good friends and wishing that Lauren will be able to celebrate these milestone birthdays with her children as I am able to do with my children.

I will also be thankful that Lauren has a better dress sense than I ever had so the photographs she will share with her children will not be half as embarrassing!

Caravans Cleethorpes and Que Sera Sera

As I prepare for a 5-day holiday in a caravan in Cleethorpes, Doris Day is playing in the background and I’m singing “Que Sera Sera” at the top of my voice. I am packing wellies and waterproofs and sun hats and sun cream knowing that no matter what the weather we are going to have a great time.

 

My husband has always struggled to understand my love of Cleethorpes. To him Cleethorpes isn’t even a seaside town. He says it as an estuary where the Humber meets the North Sea and I know he’s right but I ignore his comments about the tide always being out and turn up the volume on my blue tooth speaker!

Then in between packing and singing along to my Cleethorpes play list a programme came on the TV called “Holiday of My Lifetime” We paused a while and listened as Gyles Brandreth explained to Len Goodman why Broadstairs in Kent was his “Holiday of His Lifetime.” He explained that it was a family tradition to visit that particular seaside town as his father and grandfather before him had holidayed there. They went to the same beach, enjoyed the same Punch and Judy Show and spent their evenings listening to the same musicians at the same Spa Pavilion.

That was it! Holidaying in Cleethorpes was our family tradition! That’s why Cleethorpes was, and still is, my happy place!

All of our family holidayed there.  This included my grandparents, my aunties and my uncles, my cousins and even my neighbours. They had saved all year to go to the same place and more often than not the rest of the village were there too because that's when families went away. All the pits shut down for the annual two-week break and we all travelled to the seaside resorts of Scarborough, Skegness, Blackpool, Bridlington or Cleethorpes.

 We went to Beacholme in Cleethorpes, on a bus and it took us forever to get there. There was no M18 or M180 just long winding “A” roads. We sang songs, played word association games and looked for the sea around every corner.

I remember the excitement of arriving at the caravan site and getting of the bus at end of the road and walking to the check in. Each of us carrying a bag as wheels on suitcases hadn’t been invented. Our caravan had no mains toilet; no shower and no mains water. The washing facilities were usually a walk away and full of spiders! None of that bothered us. We unpacked our suitcases and planned our evening.

We used to get ready in our new holiday clothes to get the club about 5 o clock so that we could reserve the best seats for the cheesy entertainment that would start at about 7 o’ clock. While the adults played Bingo we would spend an hour on the slots with our 1ps and 2ps that our Nan had been saving all year!

We knew the site so well that we could wander around safely and meet all our friends at their caravans and play on the swings till dark.

On good days we flew kites on the beach and if it rained we played cards and dominoes in the caravan.

There was a circus nearby and the highlight of the week was seeing the clowns and the acrobats in the circus ring and walking back with a bag of chips to share.

It seems that at no point did I have an argument with my sisters over the colour of the spade I was digging with. I also don't recall having to wait my turn to fly the one kite that mum bought for us. The see saw only seated two of us but for some reason we never argued over who would sit on it and who would go on the neighbouring swing. The sea must have been warm and the sand never stuck to my skin. There could not have been any insects or wasps as we ate our food because I only remember being happy on the beach and in the park!

 

This, of course, is all down to the power of a photographic image. All these happy memories are displayed in a collage that's hangs on my office wall. The camera didn't capture the tantrums and the arguments. There must have been some but I only remember the happy times.

Flying a kite on the beach, pedalling on a 4 man Kart with my mum and my two sisters and playing in the playground on the caravan site with my Uncle Bri wearing a cowboy hat!

I wonder if one day my photographs will trigger similar memories for my grandchildren and I hope that Ella Mae will not remember the time her mum shouted because she was sitting in a neighbouring caravan while we were searching the site thinking she was lost or injured. Hopefully they will not remember the melt down that occurred over the colour of the frisbee or the size of the bucket. Maybe they will forget the long, hot walk to the beach for a paddle only to find the sea was so far out paddling was not an option!

I hope instead they will sit with their children or grandchildren and remember searching for fairies amongst the daisies near the caravan, learning to play clock patience and solitaire with a deck of cards, using a washing up bowl to play sink or swim with feathers and pebbles and having a tea party with an imaginary elf and a big friendly giant!

In the 5 days at Cleethorpes with four of my grandchildren there have been no laptops, tablets or phones just plain old imagination. We have been on a bear hunt I’ve told the story of the ugly duckling whilst feeding the swans and we’ve been on a treasure hunt and a dinosaur trail all from the comfort of a caravan in Cleethorpes.

As I leave the caravan site at Cleethorpes, Neil Diamond comes on the radio. I turn up the volume and sing along to “Sweet Caroline”

It was my granddad’s favourite song especially when sung by my Uncle Bri. It is still our family song. I look to the sky and know that mum has been enjoying our holiday in Cleethorpes with us. Memories come flooding back of good times spent at that same caravan site more than 50 years ago and I realise that I have been making those same memories with my grandchildren. Memories that remind me why Cleethorpes will always be my happy place!