A Limited Lifestyle

The Man in the Mirror

I dug out my old journals recently in response to a comment that a friend made about my dad. He is often a topic of conversation and all my friends ask how he's doing especially during lockdown.

My usual response is,

“He’s doing ok” followed by “He’s just old and frail”  

On this particular occasion my friend commented that Id been saying that for years and we started talking about how old age creeps up on you.So when I got home I started looking back through my journals to help me pinpoint when exactly did my dad become old and frail. It occurred to me that I was in danger of forgetting the man my Dad was and he would be remembered as an old and frail guy rather than a man who was once quite popular and occasionally funny!

10 years ago Dad was a relatively healthy 70 year old. He was also someone with some authority.  He was a local councillor, a JP and being an official at the pit he was well respected in the community. Then he had a stroke. Within a year he had recovered but by the end of that year he had lost my mum. His life had changed but Dad carried on refusing to let his stroke and his loneliness deter his plans. He loved travelling and he loved cars. So he travelled to Belgium and America every year to visit my sisters and at 75 he bought himself a Bentley just because he could! 

I still hadn't figured out at what point Dad had become old and frail. After his stroke he started using a stick but we always reckoned it was for the sympathy vote rather than to help with his balance.  The more I looked the more I realised that its only in the last 5 yrs that dad has gotten old! That said Dad has never really accepted old age. He doesn't see himself as old even though he knows he is. 

Even after breaking his leg in 2016 and his arm in 2019 he has refused to succumb to my description of being old and frail. He still asks young ladies for their phone number and every time he sees himself in the mirror he giggles as if he thinks his reflection an optical illusion. 

Every obstacle that is thrown in his way he has taken head on and never changed his lifestyle or his determination to continue. 

• His sight deteriorated but he refused to stop driving until his license was taken away. 

• He broke his leg and his mobility deteriorated but he still found a way to visit the pub for a few pints of John Smiths. 

• He broke his arm but he learned to manoeuvre a walking frame into a taxi and found a new pub that looked after him.

I am guilty of being frustrated with him at not accepting his limitations. He never stops talking about getting on an aeroplane again and he wants us all to go away on a family holiday. He has worked out that he probably can’t travel alone anymore so if we book a family holiday he can still get on that aeroplane! He may be old and frail but he still has all his marbles!

Living with Covid over the last 10 months has given me a bit of an insight into the frustration of living with limitations. Just as I am trying to find ways of overcoming the limitations of Covid, dad is trying to find ways of overcoming the limitations of old age. 

Covid is limiting my travel.  Covid is limiting my social life. Covid is limiting my lifestyle but it is old age that is limiting all of these for my dad.

Covid will eventually pass and all being well my lifestyle will improve and I will be able to travel and mix and not be restricted. For dad, when Covid eases his life will be just as restricted. Imagine that! A lifetime of Covid restrictions!

There’s no wonder dad keeps planning. If I thought that I would never get on an aeroplane again or enjoy the company of my friends and family and be confined to my own four walls I think I would be a little sad and more than a little frustrated.

Thing is, dad smiles a lot he doesn’t seem sad or angry He doesn't complain too much and he is very compliant. He is reluctant to talk about the “old days” and he chooses to sit quietly and read the paper. 

The people who meet him today see an old guy who struggles to walk. They know very little of the life he has experienced because he chooses not to talk about it. If they had met him 10yrs ago they would have seen a very different guy. The same guy that dad sees in the mirror. On occasion he can be persuaded to remember past holidays and there are glimpses of the husband and father who loved to travel. You see Dad still has places he wants to go and people he wants to see. He doesn't want to talk about the adventures he has had, he wants to experience new ones. So he keeps planning!

Just recently dad fell and fractured his arm again. He spent a couple of weeks in hospital and even though we thought it would be better for Dad if he left hospital to go into a respite care home he had other ideas.

"Those places are for old people." he told me. "And they don't serve John Smiths!" How could I argue with that!

He is home now and rarely leaves his chair. He may need help getting dressed and support as he walks to the toilet but he is in no doubt that he is independent enough to stay in his own home. At first we were a little bit angry with his refusal of full time care. We couldn't understand why he wouldn't want a cooked breakfast every morning. Why the lure of a home cooked meal at lunch time and as many cups of tea with biscuits as he wanted just wasn't appealing to him. He couldn't explain to us either he just kept saying "I'd sooner stop here"

He's been home a week now and I have visited him most days. I sit with  him and watch him smile as the neighbours walk by. He studies the TV pages and he circles the programmes he wants to enjoy on TV. Most days I help him with the crossword.

It was as I was helping him with the crossword that I had one of those lightbulb moments. I suddenly understood his reluctance to enjoy the comforts of a respite care home. The clue was "Place for elderly people to go for rest" (6,7) Quick as a flash he said "Canary Islands" 

There was the guy that dad saw in the mirror. The traveller , the driver, the regular at the local pub. He does not see a man who will play cards or dominoes with a group of elderly people. He does not see a man who would have a go at armchair aerobics or arts and crafts whilst drinking cups of tea. The man he sees will always be capable of  getting on an aeroplane  and will always look forward to the day he can enjoy a pint of John Smiths.

I laugh at his answer to the crossword clue and ask

"Does it fit Dad?" 

"We'll make it fit, have we?" was his very clever reply!

Dad is learning to live with his limitations but he will never accept them any more than we can accept that the Covid restrictions are here to stay! Maybe thats not such a bad way of looking at both Covid and Old age it can only restrict you if you let it!

You may be wondering about the crossword clue. Well I figured it out. The answer was "Senior Respite". If Dad had agreed to the correct answer then the rest of the crossword would have been a whole lot easier. But as you may have gathered Dad is not really bothered about making things easy whether it seems like the perfect fit or not. So we left it blank for Dad to think about another day.  

 Theres a message in that somewhere!