Cowboy Hats and Wedding Hats.

 Why Hats Make Me Happy!

Hats have always been a part of my life. I suppose they represent all the happy memories I have as a child and into adulthood. They make me smile. I have hundreds of photographs and the one’s where I’m wearing a hat, bring back such happy memories.

It started with a cowboy hat. I was a bit of a tomboy and on a holiday at Beacholme in Cleethorpes my Uncle Bri bought a cowboy hat and I wore it all week. Uncle Bri never saw it again!

Then there was the Easter Bonnet parade at the local working men’s club. We spent days making our bonnets before parading them in front of all the adults on a Sunday afternoon.

Whitsuntide and the Whit Sunday Walk always involved a new hat and Christmas was all about party hats and funny hats. 

Family weddings were huge hat occasions.  They were more about the hat than the outfit. 

So it seems that hats are in my blood! They take me to my happy place.

Mum had a collection of wedding hats. She bought a new one for every family wedding and I had 18 cousins so there were lots of weddings! Mum  never gave them away and a couple of years after she died we found them and organised  a photoshoot. Once again hats were making me smile.

I could mention that my favourite book is “The Cat in the Hat” and that as a teenager one of the first albums I bought was “Stardust” by David Essex and I played Hats off to Larry by Del Shannon on repeat for months much to the dismay of my older sister who was into Bay City Rollers!

Into adulthood I have a fascination with hats. I have a habit of taking random pictures of complete strangers wearing funny hats and I can’t resist trying on every hat in the local vintage charity shop. My friends and family cringe when we go near a hat shop because not only do I insist on trying them all on I make them join in too.

I even took dozens of hats on a day trip to Ilkley just in case we got the chance to sing that old classic “On Ilkley Moor Bart Hat”

I had no idea growing up that my love of hats would one day lead me the Brain Tumour Charity and “Wear a Hat Day” I had no idea that my growing collection of hats would support my good friends who tragically lost their son to a brain tumour in 2018. He was 28 years old. He was the same age as my daughter and he had his whole life ahead of him.

Now I have never lost a child but I have spoken to mums who have lost children. I have listened as mums talk of losing their baby in early pregnancy and mums who deliver their baby still and asleep. One of the things that upsets them more than anything is that they never got the chance to see them grow up. 

Well Imagine losing your child at 28.  You have seen them grow up. You have kept them safe as a child and watched proudly as they grow into young adults. They leave university with honours, pass their driving test, travel the world. You stand back with pride as they begin to make plans to settle down and buy their own home and maybe one day have a family. 

Then cancer strikes and it is not only your hopes and dreams as a mum that are shattered but also those of your son! For me that is a double loss! 

I am blessed. I have not had to endure this pain but I have friends who have. I have listened as they have tried to explain their grief and there is no explanation. They are angry as well as upset but the only thing they can do is raise awareness and funds to support other families who have to deal with the horrors that a brain tumour brings. 

Supporting “Wear a Hat Day” is my way of supporting my friends as well as my reason for keeping all my hats!

My mum always reckoned that some things happen for a reason. Well I have no idea what reason there could ever be to lose a child but it seems that the reason I have always loved hats is to bring a smile to those close to me when they need it the most. Thanks mum for your wisdom and for love of hats which I have obviously inherited from you and my nan.

A Limited Lifestyle

The Man in the Mirror

I dug out my old journals recently in response to a comment that a friend made about my dad. He is often a topic of conversation and all my friends ask how he's doing especially during lockdown.

My usual response is,

“He’s doing ok” followed by “He’s just old and frail”  

On this particular occasion my friend commented that Id been saying that for years and we started talking about how old age creeps up on you.So when I got home I started looking back through my journals to help me pinpoint when exactly did my dad become old and frail. It occurred to me that I was in danger of forgetting the man my Dad was and he would be remembered as an old and frail guy rather than a man who was once quite popular and occasionally funny!

10 years ago Dad was a relatively healthy 70 year old. He was also someone with some authority.  He was a local councillor, a JP and being an official at the pit he was well respected in the community. Then he had a stroke. Within a year he had recovered but by the end of that year he had lost my mum. His life had changed but Dad carried on refusing to let his stroke and his loneliness deter his plans. He loved travelling and he loved cars. So he travelled to Belgium and America every year to visit my sisters and at 75 he bought himself a Bentley just because he could! 

I still hadn't figured out at what point Dad had become old and frail. After his stroke he started using a stick but we always reckoned it was for the sympathy vote rather than to help with his balance.  The more I looked the more I realised that its only in the last 5 yrs that dad has gotten old! That said Dad has never really accepted old age. He doesn't see himself as old even though he knows he is. 

Even after breaking his leg in 2016 and his arm in 2019 he has refused to succumb to my description of being old and frail. He still asks young ladies for their phone number and every time he sees himself in the mirror he giggles as if he thinks his reflection an optical illusion. 

Every obstacle that is thrown in his way he has taken head on and never changed his lifestyle or his determination to continue. 

• His sight deteriorated but he refused to stop driving until his license was taken away. 

• He broke his leg and his mobility deteriorated but he still found a way to visit the pub for a few pints of John Smiths. 

• He broke his arm but he learned to manoeuvre a walking frame into a taxi and found a new pub that looked after him.

I am guilty of being frustrated with him at not accepting his limitations. He never stops talking about getting on an aeroplane again and he wants us all to go away on a family holiday. He has worked out that he probably can’t travel alone anymore so if we book a family holiday he can still get on that aeroplane! He may be old and frail but he still has all his marbles!

Living with Covid over the last 10 months has given me a bit of an insight into the frustration of living with limitations. Just as I am trying to find ways of overcoming the limitations of Covid, dad is trying to find ways of overcoming the limitations of old age. 

Covid is limiting my travel.  Covid is limiting my social life. Covid is limiting my lifestyle but it is old age that is limiting all of these for my dad.

Covid will eventually pass and all being well my lifestyle will improve and I will be able to travel and mix and not be restricted. For dad, when Covid eases his life will be just as restricted. Imagine that! A lifetime of Covid restrictions!

There’s no wonder dad keeps planning. If I thought that I would never get on an aeroplane again or enjoy the company of my friends and family and be confined to my own four walls I think I would be a little sad and more than a little frustrated.

Thing is, dad smiles a lot he doesn’t seem sad or angry He doesn't complain too much and he is very compliant. He is reluctant to talk about the “old days” and he chooses to sit quietly and read the paper. 

The people who meet him today see an old guy who struggles to walk. They know very little of the life he has experienced because he chooses not to talk about it. If they had met him 10yrs ago they would have seen a very different guy. The same guy that dad sees in the mirror. On occasion he can be persuaded to remember past holidays and there are glimpses of the husband and father who loved to travel. You see Dad still has places he wants to go and people he wants to see. He doesn't want to talk about the adventures he has had, he wants to experience new ones. So he keeps planning!

Just recently dad fell and fractured his arm again. He spent a couple of weeks in hospital and even though we thought it would be better for Dad if he left hospital to go into a respite care home he had other ideas.

"Those places are for old people." he told me. "And they don't serve John Smiths!" How could I argue with that!

He is home now and rarely leaves his chair. He may need help getting dressed and support as he walks to the toilet but he is in no doubt that he is independent enough to stay in his own home. At first we were a little bit angry with his refusal of full time care. We couldn't understand why he wouldn't want a cooked breakfast every morning. Why the lure of a home cooked meal at lunch time and as many cups of tea with biscuits as he wanted just wasn't appealing to him. He couldn't explain to us either he just kept saying "I'd sooner stop here"

He's been home a week now and I have visited him most days. I sit with  him and watch him smile as the neighbours walk by. He studies the TV pages and he circles the programmes he wants to enjoy on TV. Most days I help him with the crossword.

It was as I was helping him with the crossword that I had one of those lightbulb moments. I suddenly understood his reluctance to enjoy the comforts of a respite care home. The clue was "Place for elderly people to go for rest" (6,7) Quick as a flash he said "Canary Islands" 

There was the guy that dad saw in the mirror. The traveller , the driver, the regular at the local pub. He does not see a man who will play cards or dominoes with a group of elderly people. He does not see a man who would have a go at armchair aerobics or arts and crafts whilst drinking cups of tea. The man he sees will always be capable of  getting on an aeroplane  and will always look forward to the day he can enjoy a pint of John Smiths.

I laugh at his answer to the crossword clue and ask

"Does it fit Dad?" 

"We'll make it fit, have we?" was his very clever reply!

Dad is learning to live with his limitations but he will never accept them any more than we can accept that the Covid restrictions are here to stay! Maybe thats not such a bad way of looking at both Covid and Old age it can only restrict you if you let it!

You may be wondering about the crossword clue. Well I figured it out. The answer was "Senior Respite". If Dad had agreed to the correct answer then the rest of the crossword would have been a whole lot easier. But as you may have gathered Dad is not really bothered about making things easy whether it seems like the perfect fit or not. So we left it blank for Dad to think about another day.  

 Theres a message in that somewhere! 

January Blues in a Global Pandemic

Blue Monday 2021

As I met my friend for a walk this morning 

I heard on the radio that today is known as Blue Monday.
It's the third Monday of January and is supposed to be the saddest day of the year due to a combination of bad weather long nights and lingering aftermath of the festive glut!
Add into that 10 months of Covid 19 and a National Lockdown as well as no chance of a coffee at the end of the walk and  Blue Monday took on a whole new meaning!
 As I walked with my friend at a safe 2 metre distance, less than 5 miles from home we talked about how we felt and if it was anything to do with Blue Monday.

Interestingly we were both feeling a little fed up. We both celebrated our  60th birthday in 2020 and somehow our own mortality has hit us as we realise that we could be considered as old!!!
We have been offered a free flu vaccine, we have both been called for a mammogram as well as being sent a little mascara brush to submit our bowel cancer-screening test! No wonder we are feeling fed up. 

We know we are not old but we both know that we should be making the most of these years and its annoying us that we are being denied what we had planned. We both understood the importance of the lockdown and the restrictions and we both agreed that we were lucky to be fit and healthy and not to have lost anyone through covid.          

That said, we are both tired of listening to pundits advise us on how to lighten our mood. Enjoy your natural surroundings, take time to read that novel, learn a new skill! Write down 3 things to be grateful for every day and read them back at the end of the week!!! We smiled as we both held up two fingers to these positive ideas because we are weary of them.

We did all that in March were fed up of it now  and Im sure we are not the only ones.

We talked about what we missed and we were in agreement it was the spontaneity of life. The freedom to shop in comfort without avoiding others and trying to speak to cashiers through a damn mask. The joy of booking a short break and being able to drive more than 5 miles without being pulled over by the police. 

We know we are lucky and no one is dropping bombs on us but we would really like to book that theatre trip in the knowledge that its not going to be cancelled. Or maybe book a city break or a country retreat and enjoy our retirement.

After my walk I met a friend from Slimming world outside the local post office. It was so lovely to see her and chat. We both miss the social side of the group and the banter that we enjoyed every Wednesday. We were both struggling to be self disciplined at a time when little chocolate treats and a glass of wine lift our mood. I had a video call from my sisters and once again we talked about the difficulty of self motivation and how we just wanted to stay in our comfies and do nothing but for some reason we don't allow ourselves to that. 
We try to keep busy. Clear out a cupboard, sort out the paperwork, finish that project you started before xmas.
We are lucky enough not to work and we can stay home and not have to juggle work kids and family. It occurred to me that every age group have their difficulties during this pandemic.

My daughters say how last lockdown it was fun and school work wasn't as
planned and organised as it now with virtual classrooms and on line learning.
They are feeling a whole different kind of Covid Stress. School learning platforms allow parents to share work that they have completed with their kids. 

There is a whole new level of expectation and feeling of failure if the work they are producing at home seems less than others in the class. But others may all have access to lap tops and not have a baby at home or a toddler that is being potty trained. They may not have a 4 year old who needs attention whilst on an important zoom call.

Then there are the young adults. The teenagers who can’t meet their friends, those in their 20s who are missing out on a university life or have been furloughed from their new job.

Those who are in their 70s and 80s who are increasingly worried about the virus and those who are front line workers who are in contact with people every day.

We are all fed up. Yes we are grateful, yes we know it will pass and yes we know others are in a worse situation than us but we are just fed up!
 I just want to say that on Blue Monday I allowed myself to feel sorry for myself. I sat and pondered all the things I miss and I voiced my frustration to those close to me. 
I am a glass half full type of person so having done all that and put two fingers up to all those psychologist who are full of happy thoughts I poured myself a G& T and danced around to Blue Monday by New Order as it played on the turntable which my hubby bought for Christmas.
Playing Vinyls is his way of keeping happy but I’m not sure he appreciates the 70s dance moves that I insist on doing to his 80’s classics.
So on Blue Monday 2021 I had a bit of a blip but I’m sure that with the real conversations with friends and family as well as a few G&Ts I will be back on form soon.

                                                       

Stay safe guys and remember its OK not to be OK.

WHEN THE UNEXPECTED HAPPENS

Coping with Covid

On a rainy Sunday afternoon I find myself watching re runs of Antiques Road Trip. As the celebrities parted company, having made no money at the auction they gave themselves a huge hug. In that moment I felt so envious. I miss hugging my friends and my family. I miss that spontaneity. I'm sure I am one of many, who, after more than 6 months of keeping my distance, I just crave a real hug. Back in March I never expected that I would miss a simple hug so much.

It's made me reflect on that word "expect" and made me think about what happens when our expectations are not met.

Sometimes things happen that you never expect.

• When your daughter is pregnant with her second child you never expect that she will not bring your grandchild home.
• When your son reaches their 20s you never expect them to diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour.
• When your friend beats cancer twice you never expect it to return and get the better of them at the third attempt.

When the unexpected happens your world shifts. Back in 2013 when Lauren lost Harry my world shifted. It took me on a path that I never expected and it led me to the charity 4Louis.

When my friends lost their son through a brain tumour their path took them to Cancer Research and Rotherham Hospice. These charities supported us and guided us through the abyss that engulfed our world. We thought there was no way out but with their help we found our way. 

I actually think that Covid has shifted our world. A world where most of us felt safe and secure. We are all experiencing a type of loss. Not as severe as losing a child through stillbirth or brain tumour or losing a friend through cancer but a loss of we took for granted. That hug, that coffee with a friend that trip to the coast. I think that I am coping with Covid better than some because I have had to cope with the unexpected. I believe those who have suffered a huge loss and who have been touched by the unexpected are maybe a little more prepared for the impact that Covid is having on our everyday lives. 

It is those people who have had to live through the things you wouldn't expect that are my inspiration.

So this month I shall be raising awareness and possibly funds for the charities that have guided me and my friends through the most difficult and unexpected of times.

On Thursday 15 October I shall be lighting a candle to remember my grandson Harry in support of Baby Loss Awareness Week and in support of 4Louis. They have been there for hospitals and families throughout this pandemic and continue to support me and my family seven years after we lost our grandson.

On 1st November I will be "Walking for Luke" to raise awareness for Brain Tumour Research and to support my wonderful friends who lost their beautiful son at just 28 yrs of age. 

As I light my candle for Harry and as I walk the streets of Swinton (via various local pubs) for Luke I will not be expecting to raise loads of money but what I do hope is that we raise some awareness of the work these charities do to support the loss of a loved one.

I will be posting on social media and if I do manage to raise any funds via the donate button then that will be a bonus.

Meanwhile I expect to be hugging all of you sometime in 2021 when I expect to be throwing a party to celebrate the end of social distancing. If you have ever been to one of our parties then you know what to expect. If you have never experienced a party at the Abbott's then raise your expectations and gey your dancing shoes on.

Stay safe my friends.

Childhood Chores and a Coronavirus St George

Thankfully I am not displaying any symptoms of Covid-19, however I have developed some unusual habits!! One of these is to keep my house clean! Normally I’ll just give it a quick dust and hoover a couple of times a week, but these days of isolation have made me realise that… guess what?

Dust settles every day and because I am in the house I am noticing all those areas I’ve neglected since I retired. Well actually I’ve neglected them all my adult life.

I am discovering dust and grime in areas of my house that I have ignored for years!! I put it down to being scarred as a child.

When I was a girl and mum worked, we used to do chores. My job was to do the paintwork and clean the skirting boards. I never questioned it then but boy did I question it when I got older. Life was far too short to clean skirting boards but for some reason Covid-19 has taken me back to my childhood and once again I find myself cleaning skirting boards!

That's how on a sunny Thursday morning I am on my hands and knees in my bedroom with the radio playing and I am cleaning the skirting board!!!!

I am singing along with Michael Ball and Captain Tom.

“Walk On Walk On

With Hope in your Heart

And you’ll never walk alone

You’ll never walk alone

 Walk On Walk On”

It's the Coronavirus Song that has taken the country by storm.

When the song finishes a little man starts talking about heroes and legends and I am reminded that it’s St George’s Day.

Of course I knew it was St George’s Day. I had been thinking back to my childhood as I scrubbed those damned skirting boards.

 Mum always told us that we had our very own St George and that he would look after us where ever we were and whatever path we chose.

I remember reading about the legend of St George and finding out that the Patron Saint of our little country tamed a dragon and slayed it because the dragon was asking for human sacrifices.

How that legend rings true in a world battling with Coronavirus.

There are lots of St Georges working today to slay the dragon that is 

Covid-19.  Every day in the news we hear stories of people who are going above and beyond to save the lives of people in hospital and to save our NHS. Communities that are coming together and businesses that are diversifying to fight this terrible dragon that is attacking our way of life.

Then I realise that I don't have to look far to find a hero or a saint. They are very close to home.

There’s the one who sends colouring books from America to families who are who struggling to home school.

The one who delivers food to local residents because he can’t go out to work.

There’s the one who visits my dad every day to make sure he has a home cooked meal, and the one who queues in the supermarket to shop for those who are self isolated then pops a bottle of fizz to a sibling just to cheer them up.

Not forgetting the one who pops a little bit of money in your bank account because they know it will help pay for the Disney channel for the little ones!

There’s the one making bags for NHS staff to pop in their PPE after a shift at work and the one who is making head bands for nurses at the local hospital.

I especially appreciate the one who forwards a funny you tube clip to put a smile on your face just when you need it.

The one that sets up a zoom meeting and a group quiz because we can’t meet for coffee and cake.

The one who uses the power of social media to raise funds for charities close to my heart.

Not forgetting the ones who set up chat rooms and share pictures of the grandkids I can’t hug and play with.

I realise am surrounded by saints! They are of course my family and my friends who are keeping me smiling and supporting those I love.

Our family is special and those who we meet are welcomed into it and share in our highs and lows. I know that my very own St George and his Sylvia are the reason that I am surrounded by saints.

So on this special St Georges Day I will make the most of the sunshine and raise a glass to all those saints out there and look forward to the day when I can get out of the bloody house and give them all a hug and stop cleaning my dirty skirting boards!!!

Happy Saint George’s Day

April 23^rd 2020.

Coronavirus and a can of Carling

A Mother's Day to Remember

These are strange times. Our routines have been disrupted. Our social circles have been affected. There are no slimming clubs, book clubs or fitness sessions. There are no bars or restaurants open and a walk with dog is just that, a walk, no calling at the local for a beer and a G & T.

It would be so easy to be negative because your holiday has been cancelled or your concert has been postponed. There are families who cannot be together due to travel restrictions and couples who cannot get married because of social distancing recommendations.  And worst of all there is no pasta or toilet rolls on the supermarket shelves!

Yet I am seeing so much goodwill around me, which is keeping me positive.

There is a wartime spirit in the communities, with random acts of kindness happening everywhere. Young lads putting together food parcels,  teenagers offering to walk the dog. Local shops and taxi firms delivering supplies to those in need.  Neighbours, checking on the elderly couple that live next door. Dad’s carers going above and beyond to make sure he gets his fish on a Friday served with a can of Carling!!

I also know we are fortunate to live in a time where technology keeps us in touch with those we love. We can order our shopping on line and read a book on a device and let the kids watch YouTube clips whist home-schooling.

However there are some days when the current situation makes you realise what is important in life and today is one of those days. It’s Mothers Day.

It is a day when we usually spoil our mum. We take her to the pub for a meal. We go to the garden centre for afternoon tea and buy a potted plant. We deliver a card and a bunch of flowers and we give her a hug and tell her that we love her.

However today is Mothers Day 2020 in the midst of the Coronavirus Pandemic. Social media is full of pictures and stories of sons and daughters being separated from their mum. There are tears because we are advised not to give that hug and to keep our distance. Families have had to find other ways to show their mum they love them. Ways that do not need commercial intervention.

Daffodils have been picked from the garden, cards have been made rather than bought and words have been spoken in the knowledge that we are living in unprecedented times and that time with our loved ones are to be treasured and do not necessarily need to cost a fortune!

Thing is I’ve been doing this with my mum for nearly 10 years. Every year I make mum a card and pick some daffodils and sit on a bench and tell her I love her and I miss her and I wish I could give her a hug.

I ask her if she’s OK and to let me know she can hear me. Usually a blackbird joins me or a song comes on the radio so I know she’s listening!

If she were here I know she would be smiling and saying “This too shall pass” or "Nobody's got a leg off" How I miss her words of wisdom! 

So although these are uncertain times and worrying times I actually think that when its over we will all have had the opportunity to reflect on what really matters in life. Our family, our health and the absolute appreciation of soft toilet rolls if you have any!!!!

Stay safe my friends!

Christmas Lights and Christmas Memories

Berry Lights in Pickering 2010

Dad loves the lights at Christmas. He keeps looking at our lights especially the ones around the fireplace. He seems to smile to himself as he peers at the berries amongst the garland. I wonder if he remembers when we bought them.

We bought those berry lights 9 years ago. They lit up the fireplace at the cottage in Pickering where we all stayed as a family. Mum had died 2 days earlier but somehow we managed to arrange a funeral, pack up several cars and travel a couple of hours up the A1. We took the lights and loads of other Christmas stuff to decorate a cottage for a Christmas that mum had planned and paid for, well before she became really sick. 

There was snow and a sense of peace

Mum never imagined not being at the cottage. The thought of having all her family together made her smile. So thanks to mum we all spent Christmas together.

I’d like to think that the reason dad is smiling as he admires the berry lights, is because he is remembering that Christmas.

It's a Christmas I will never forget. We laughed; we cried; we talked about mum. There was snow on the ground and there was a sense of peace amongst the sadness.

Every year since I have hung the lights on my own fireplace. I know mum would have loved them and they make me smile. So when I saw dad looking at the lights I tried to prompt him. I wonder what he remembers about that Christmas,

9 years ago.

Berry Lights  2019

“The lights look lovely, don't they Dad?”

“Ay” he says “ I remember we bought them for that cottage we all went to.

Where was it Sharon? It was bloody cold! It snowed that year didn't it? How long ago is that?”

“Its 9 years ago, Dad this year” I prompt him again.

“Bloody hell” he says “I’m amazed they are still working!”

No mention of mum. No words of comfort. Just a slight giggle as if he has made a joke! I try not to be angry or upset at his flippant reply. I was hoping I could hook him into talking about mum. He rarely talks about her.

I want him to talk about her. I want him to remember what day it is and why we all went there. But that's not how Dad works. I’m sure he remembers in his own way. I’m sure he remembers being sad and I’m sure he remembers mum not being there but he doesn't say anything. Instead he just smiles.

So I avoid venting my frustrations and I just say

“Yes Dad, those lights were built to last, just like you!”

Quick as a flash and shaking a fist in the air towards the heavens he says,

“Your mother was built to last but he had other plans”

That was all I needed. He does remember and he’s still angry.

Maybe next year I’ll return the lights to Dad’s house so he can smile at them every day!